Yeah, maybe you should have asked that girl that you thought was cute out on a date when you first hung out? Or that second time? Or that fifth time? But nahhhh, now it's too late. You've already been evaluted and chances are you're in the friend zone. Or maybe you're not on either ladder. You're just in no man's land. But have no fear, you can always feel it out. Right? Do some chicken-shit flirting? I mean, it sucks to go that route, but when you have no other choice, what else can you do? The thing to remember is...hope is your enemy. Let's face it - your chances are already low. I'm talking like someone hitting a golf ball up in the sky and having it land on one of your toes, and have it be the one toe that's broken and have it hit it in such a way that it gives you a heart attack and your head explodes due to the blood pressure. But yeah. No hope. Just read it and take it as it is. Here's some help:

WAYS TO TELL THAT THE GIRL ISN'T INTO YOU IN THAT WAY:
1) When greeting you via some kind of online medium (text, email, IM, etc.), she
a) Never says hi first. You do.
b) When she does reply to your greetings, she says one of the following: "Hey pal", "Hey man", "Hey dude", "Hey buddy". EVEN WORSE: Replace all of the "Hey"s with "Wsup"s. EVEN WORSE: "Sup n*gga", "sup boy", "yo"
c) Takes 20 minutes to reply to your messages. EVEN WORSE: Leaves suddenly. EVEN WORSE: While you're responding to a question.

2) You never go beyond the online medium, because phone conversations are obviously:
a) One-sided
b) 2 minutes long before she has to go eat dinner. EVEN WORSE: Watch TV. EVEN WORSE: Someone else is calling (read: more important than you). EVEN WORSE: "something else" THE WORST: "Take a shit" (and that's what she says). Realize too that all of these are not lies. They are just more important or interesting than talking to you, which means there's a potential for you to be less interesting than taking a shit.
c) Extremely awkward and forced.

2)In person, greets you with a weak ass hug. EVEN WORSE: greets you with a handshake. EVEN WORSE: a slap on the back. EVEN WORSE: a head nod. EVEN WORSE: That half-props, half-hug that only dudes do. THE WORST: Nothing at all. Your existence means nothing to her, unless she needs something.

3) Asks you for your male opinion on things. EVEN WORSE: Asks for your male opinion on a guy. EVEN WORSE: Asks for your male opinion on bedroom behavior with a guy that she's seeing.

4) Says one of the following to you in conversation, (Goes in order from best to absolute worse)
a) "Someday you'll find a good girl..you deserve her" ("and that good girl isn't me")
b) "You're like my best friend" (Can it be anymore clear?? You're done dude.)
c) "You're like a brother to me". EVEN WORSE: "You're like an uncle to me" THE WORST: "You remind me of my dad!" (Unless you live in the midwest, you can probably assume that you're not getting anywhere)
d) "You don't have any confidence" (This one was actually said to me. WTF. I had to laugh at it tho, cuz it's so "in yo face!")

If any of those happen to you, then it's best that you look elsewhere. And you should anyways.

Yeah, i know, I still need to blog about Japan.

Work has been somewhat easier since I got back. Of course, it's only a matter of time before it gets crazy again. I'm trying my best to keep that from happening though.

Hoy boy. Here's the mother of all plans. August my buddy Mick is getting married. In Belmont. I doubt that I will have another wedding of a high school/college friend this close to my house. I have a suit that I don't like very much. That means I should buy a new suit. I want to look slick though. That means losing weight. So what better opportunity to motivate than Mick's wedding. Here's my deal. If I can slim down to where I want to be, then I'll buy myself a NICE ass suit. I'm talking hugo boss, club monaco, dkny nice. Plus a nice ass watch and nice ass shoes to go with. If I don't, then I'm wearing that suit that I don't like to the wedding. Plus some beat up chucks, and a calculator watch. Hmm..maybe that's hurting Mick more than me. oh well, so be it! A deal's a deal.

Actually, i have to lose weight by the end of may, but that's for a completely different reason.
- - -
Keep going.

This is a problem that I've been pondering. Do I avoid, or do I approach and learn? If there is something that makes you think of something negative, do you avoid it? Or do you just approach it, accept it, and do your best to try and learn from it? Do you contsantly need to look for ways to "grow" or is it okay to just avoid it? I personally think avoiding and running way are stupid. But this is different. Very different. I will find the answer. I just a couple more days and a few more Japan train rides where I stare out the door pondering both my reflection and the passing world just beyond the door.

Eggo waffles with nutella. Seriously.

Around people who get it. It being the subjective word. People who get the struggle? Who get what it's like? Or people who succeed? Who lead easy going lives? Or just easy lives? But then I think that if I.

But if it all ends in the positive, then it doesn't matter, right?

..doing any of this? To feel better in my own eyes? Or to feel better because I'm comparing myself to others? I guess the only way to know for sure is to keep my mouth shut when it comes to certain things. maybe. maybe not.

think.

I'm always looking for ways to improve myself. Maybe the best thing to do is stop looking and let those opportunities come to me instead. The best ones always do.

It would seem that a common lesson from the past 4 years of my life is that nothing in life should be forced. I think that all too often, I'm looking to gain some kind of ultimate control over life. Why? Maybe that way nothing that can happen that I don't give some kind of permission to. Maybe it's a way of protecting myself from having to suffer or getting caught off guard.

It goes without saying that that just isn't how life works.
- - -
The Japan trip was excellent in so many ways - new experiences, fun times, good food, etc. And though I wasn't expecting it, I also came to understand myself a little bit better. I was simply looking to enjoy myself, and to find a particular sort of self-growth was a pleasant surprise.

When we first got to Japan, when asked why he liked living there so much, Jeff said that it was great coming to a place where no one new you and you could start fresh. He further explained that you don't have to fit into the mold the people have created for who you should and shouldn't be. Crazy. You don't really realize the impact of all of that until you're in the situation. I think that in addition to constantly comparing myself to others, a lot of the time I'm held down by what I think I should be and what I think others think I should be. If I were to try and change who i am right now, I would probably be met with some kind of resistance from those around me. Or maybe indifference. Either way it would affect me.

I think it would be great to go somewhere where I could start fresh. Not because I want to change who I am..but rather I think that people look at you as a cumulative collection of who you are as well as who you were. And sometimes I think that the who I was holds a stronger impact in people's minds than who I am. And I truly, truly dislike that.

I'm back from Japan. I'm still a bit jetlagged.

It really sucks ass to be back. Seriously. I wish I was back in Japan.

I'm gonna go hang out at Nijiya market and cry.

Longer, more interesting post later.