In the daily thoughts of tonight, I found myself mentally wallowing over a set of past painful thoughts. I don't know why my brain tends to do such things. Maybe to not forget the pain that my past mistakes have caused me. Perhaps to help me understand life. I don't know why.

But it hurt. I don't run from any kind of pain. I refuse to brush it under the rug or simply ignore it. It has always been my practice to face whatever it is head on, in order to learn. When there is no other happiness in life, it can always be found in the darkest of places if you just look at the situation from the inside out.

Why is it that moments like these are always felt at night? When the day has come to a close, and the darkness has cut out any natural light which may shift your focus towards better things. When you're most likely alone, and you take the time to rummage through the contents of your mind, so as to make room for tomorrow's burdens. Finding a sharp memory, your mind takes the time to recall the very reason why it was stowed away in the first place.

fuck it, i'm going to bed. Tomorrow's another day, and by then, I'll be back to normal. It's been a long time since I felt disappointed, and I'd like it to go away again.
- - -
EDIT
Okay wait a fucking second...

Look at that above. That's how it always ends, doesn't it. Some kind of fortune cookie self pity bullshit about why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. I would end this blog trying to rationalize how I'm feeling. But fuck that. I'm not a kid anymore, and I'm not going to sit here and type out why it's okay for me to be feeling this way.

Truth be told, like I said in my last blog, life is good. I have many reasons I can list off why I should be happy. But I can also list of a dozen or so reasons why I'm not happy. Some of those reasons are larger than others, and those near the top can sometimes be overwhelming. My life is not perfect, no one's is. So yes, I am somewhat unhappy. And that's how it is. No silver lining, no blessing in disguise. Period.

It's stupid really. I know exactly why I'm feeling the way I am. I know what's bothering me. I'm no fool. I'm better than than some kinda of pussy ass self pity crap left up to make people feel sorry for me. Bah.

There. NOW I'M going to bed. Self pity can kiss my ass.

work work work work work. That's all my life is. It's not so bad tho. The only thing that bugs me is that my wrists hurt more from over mousing and keyboard use, and when I need to run errands, i can only run them at night or during rush hour traffic.

The other un-bonus is that I see even less of my friends, of course, this is not really a big difference because all of them work full time. Add to that the fact that most of them are tied down now by significant others (read: PLD to the fullest), and pretty much I'll probably be only seeing some folks on various weekends here and there.

Ah well. That's the working life. Days seem so short, and yet so long. The work is interesting though, and I'm doing pretty close to what I learned in grad school, so yeah. I've also been thinking about going for my doctorate, but that's probably gonna have to wait a couple years. I wanna get some cash in my bank account, purchase a new ride, and hopefully, a nice pad.

You want to know how to spell relaxation? I'll tell you how. Listen to that geico gecko talk. Not the old one, but the new one. Like the one with pie and chips. Man. I need to put that shit on neverending loop so i can fall asleep to that. It'll hella put me right out.


"you asking if they want a free geico quote is like asking if they want free...pie and chips. Of course they want free pie and chips..it's pie..and chips...for free"



Hell yeah. I dunno what the fuck pie and chips are, but I'm sure they taste like aaahh relax.

There is something saturating my brain. But to talk about it would be pointless. It's kind of like, the same question, but being stared at from a different angle. Right? But the thing is, to the outside eye, it probably just looks the same. Boy who cried wolf and all that. Bah.

Sometimes in life, you need someone who you can share all of your insecurities and frustrations with, without the worry that they'll judge you. Without the worry that even though what you're saying is totally fucking immature, because you just need to get it out and let out some steam.

I need to go to San Diego, and Vegas, very very soon. Especially vegas. Yup.

Woke up late today. I have never gotten ready and ran out the door that fast. I got to work in 15 minutes. The commute for me is usually 30. I apologize to the person I tailgated cuz they were going fucking 35 on the FREEWAY ONRAMP. And of course, a big fuck you to the ugly fat white lady yapping on her cell phone who cut me off. I don't think people realize that I dont care about my car, it's a piece of shit, and I WILL ram you. And FIGHT YOU.

k that leads me to another idea. A stick of butter in a fight. See, when you throw anything at a person's face, they're gonna block it as a reflex. So you throw the butter at them. They knock it away, or even better, grab it. It gets all sticky. They look at their hands, to see what the hell they just grabbed, and by then, you've already knocked them out. The more you knowwwww............

So I've been feeling pretty good with everything lately, but I've also been feeling a big unnecessary, unwanted, unfit -- a lot of uns. I need to perk the fuck up. Not sure how, but I'm sure i'll figure it out. I hate the unecessary one especially -- it's like, one hand, W(hy)TF am I feeling like that? It's stupid, dumb, and attention-whore-ish. On the other hand, you feel like, damn, am i even worth anything? Like if i just were to disappear, nothing would change. Then Clarence appears and shows you what life would be like if you were never born and you see that if you weren't born, you brother would have died in the icy pond, your wife would have become an ugly librarian, and old mr. potter would have fucked up the city (for those of you who just missed that OVERLY RETARDED joke, be glad you weren't sucked into my stupidity).

Yeah things haven't been so hot as of late, but honestly, I can't complain. For two reasons: 1) Things are good! I have no reasons to complain...sorta. 2) Even if things are bad, I'm used to it. I'm used to things not working out. It builds character and keeps you from getting cocky. You call it a lack of confidence. I call it you need to shut the fuck up.


lol.

Anyways, my break is over, so it's back to work. I hope this blog entry has entertained you, and at the same time, has filled you with the overwhelming desire to beat my ass for wasting your time (if you are a hot girl, please replace "beat my ass" with "have my babies").

relationship/girls/dating/etc epiphany #2.

Not as big as #1, but big enough.

why are these things classified as big? Not because they are. Like, they're not like i'm discovering electricity or finding a way to make farts smell like potporri, but just big in that it take an area that is usually, has usually, and probably will usually stress me out, and turns it into something that doesn't.

In this area of life, ur only as sane as your perspective on the subject allows you to be. That's why advice in this area doesn't mean shit, because if you're heart isn't into it, then you're not gonna believe it, and you're just gonna do what you're gonna do.

your friends may tell you not to pursue that one girl, but if in your heart you don't believe it, they can give you all the reasons in the world, and you'll still chase.

It's fun to break it down. That's what unpopular single guys like me do to make themselves feel better =) ::SARCASM:: (with a little truth mixed in. *tear*)

But I guess there is some truth to that last point. I mean, if you're not in it, ,then you're outside the bubble (this is assuming ur not in some kind of fling or FTF or anything like that) and you have the ability to see things as their are (this is assuming that you're not jaded, fucked in the head from a past relationship, or just hate love/relationships).

And if you can break it down, then you can understand it, and if you can understand it, then you gain more knowledge. And knowledge is power. Go read a book and stay in school kids. The moorreee you knowwwwww...

So I guess it's a win-win situation. You either are in love, and are happy (theoretically and hopefully), or you aren't, and you can try to understand it. Or you can try and do both, but you'll probably just end up pissing ur gf off.

As for my epiphany, i'll leave that for a future conversation, cuz where is the fun in just blogging it. Plus, the whole epiphany itself is like a sentence long, so now that i've hyped it all up with this blog, it's gonna be such a let down.
- - -
New topic later on today. back to work. coffee break now over.

what a difference a change in location, exercise, personal hygiene, fashion sense, etc. makes...

So I was looking at some pics of me from 2003-2004. San Diego. Yup. Yup.

all I can say is. Wow. I looked fucking horrible. Time for another list:

1) Exercise - After falling off the wagon briefly, I'm getting back into the gym. The personal trainer did wonders for my working out routine, so I'm just gonna be doing that routine again. I went today for the first time in a few weeks -- I was very weak and shit. But that's okay. That just means I have to work harder. I can do it. I know I can. Anyways, I digress from the point which is that I exercise a LOT MORE than I used to. That doesn't mean i'm exercising EVERY DAY (not yet anyways), but a lot more than I used to.

Now I'm not thin now, but I think I'm definitely more thin than I was in SD. Why? Cuz right now I eat home cooked meals about 90 percent of the time. I RARELY eat out, whereas when i was in SD, I ate out ALL THE TIME. My posture looked bad. And you could definitely see my gut, and the jawline was definitely less defined. Yup, I was definitely a lot more fatty mcfat fucking fat of fatty acids of fats.

2) Personal Hygiene - Back in 2003-2004, I wouldn't shave as much as I do now. In a lot of the photos, if not all of them, I have some serious scruff going on. This is complicated by the fact that I was shaving not with the grain, which lead to a lot of ingrown hairs. I thought these red bumps on my face was actually the return of my high school pizza face acne, but in reality, it was just me not shaving right.

Fast forward two years. After buying a Mach 3 Turbo Power whatever the hell it's called (the one that vibrates), and then reading a men's health article about how you should shave WITH the grain, I corrected my shaving technique. The finally piece to the puzzle was when I went to get a straight razor shave at the Art of Shaving at Mandalay Bay in Vegas. The guy showed me how to prepare my facial hair for shaving and how important it was to put after shave lotion on, and how to do it.

These days, I shave a LOT more often. I haven't had an ingrown hair in months (no more fake acne), and I've even found a way to shave so that my face doesn't get fucked up, but I can also shave so close that my face won't be like sandpaper against an attractive girl's face when she puts her face to mine (I mean, if and when that actually ever happens from here on out..lol)

3) Personal Hygene pt 2 - I finally started taking showers. lol. Nah. So back in 2003-2004, my haircut was always the same. Short. And just down. Well, my hair is thin, and I dont exactly have a shitload of it. So some days I wouldn't even style it. In FACT, on some days, my hair would look like I just got out of bed. WTF. Hair looked like shit. Seriously.

Fast forward to today. Thanks to the mad skills of my friend's little sister (she's a professional makeup/hair artist...no lie, her name is on imdb.com cuz she worked on a movie), I comb my hair pretty different now. She showed me how to style it in a certain way, AND introduced me to some bomb ass hair product straight from my motherland. It's really made me feel better about how I look, and I'm not gonna comb my hair the way I used to from now on. So if you hate how my hair looks now, sorry yo, but this shit is here to stay. I admit, my hair never has and never will look "hip" but it's good enough for now. So that's how it's gonna be combed...unless I'm running to the store, going to the gym, hung over, don't care, etc.

4) Fashion sense - 2003-2004...man. What was I thinking. Okay just cuz some shit matches doesn't mean it necessarily LOOKS good. Furthermore, there are some photos where I just dont get how I thought certain things looked good with some other things (i.e. navy blue tshirt...green shorts?? no no). But the biggest thing was most of my shirts just looked too big on me. Too big. And the nicer clothes didn't look too great either. I had some dress shirts where the color was just bogus like Bill and Ted's Journey. I serously CRINGE when I look at the shit I used to wear...and that was AFTER I thought I had gotten a better fasion sense!!!! I guess I was wrong. DEAD wrong.

A lot of it changed when I went shopping with Shan this one time and she insisted that I should really start thinking about the clothes I wear in terms of sizes that ACTUALLY FIT ME. I went shopping with her several times, where she helped me pick out tshirts, dress shirts, etc that were a bit smaller than what I was used to. But you know what? It looked a LOT better. That whole trip helped me rethink how I wanted to start dressing. It also lead to the Great Clothes Throw-Away of 2005 in which a lot of my old clothes was given to goodwill. (I think I'm gonna have another one of those soon because I getting sick of some of the shirts and tshirts that I have). Anyways, I've finally gotten used to picking out better things to wear, but it's also taught me a very important lesson: Always go clothes shopping with a girl who's not afraid to give you her honest opinion (i.e. pink shirt: "uh NO" lolz)

5) Location - Okay this one is gonna be a bit weird, but it basically comes down to the fact that I live in a place where the tempature isn't consistent, and where I live a healthy distance from my friends. This makes for two things: I need to have a diverse wardrobe, and I need to take better care of how I look cuz I'm not just gonna be going over to someone's place who's like twenty seconds away from me. It may not make much sense as to how that might bring forth a positive change, but it does.

So, you may all be thinking, as some of my friends have, that "What does it matter? Do nice clothes and how you look really matter?". If you wanna look at it from a moral sense, no, I guess it doesn't. I was happy then, VERY happy. 2003-2004 was one of the happiest times in my life, for several reasons..and in all of those pictures that I talked about, I'm smiling in every single one. But I'm not talking about this shit from a moral sense

Now, clothes that look good on you and your body shape don''t create happiness, but it CAN make you have a better opinion of yourself. A better opinion of yourself fosters the ability to take care of yourself, which leads to confidence and higher self esteem. And I feel 200% that this is VERY VERY different than just being happy from buying something expensive and feeling good about it. If you can wear ugly ass clothes, shorts with stains on them, shit that doesn't match etc and you can be happy with your life, more power to you. But I'm happy with my life and seeing a positive change in myself after leaving SD makes me even happier.

And if you REALLY want me to get down and dirty and full of pity, all you gotta do is look at how i dressed in high school and jr. high. Then you'll understand =)

time for yet another blog about nothing.

First things first. I recently set up my benefits and 401k and all that. It's quite exciting, and I mean that in a "I'm an old man now" kind of way. On the other hand, I'm gonna be rich, biatch!! haha I kid.

Next, for some strange reason, i find the toyota commercial with the crab that says "I pinch" quite amusing.

K now for the real entry material.

In the last few weeks, I've been witness to some pretty surreal things. However, I find myself finding the funny and delight in most of them, which to me is a sign that I am, yes once again, changing and growing up. I swear, life has so much to offer in terms of STORIES! I mean, when you really think about it, why do people love drama? Because at the heart of every piece of drama there lies a juicy story. Other people like drama for the simple reason that something bad is happening to someone and that someone is not them, and that makes them happy. That reason is a bit more fucked up, but I can understand.

Anyways, not to be cryptic, but I just can't write about the surreal things that I mentioned above. I've given my word to keep the things on the DL, but I haven't given my word to keep my reactions to them on the DL, so that's what i'm writing about. Oh life is so funny. And sometimes it's just more entertaining to watch everyone else on the roller coaster scream their head off instead of being on the roller coaster yourself. Yes, instead you sit on the bench, eating a ice cream and wondering what's on TV.

Aight now on to more important things. FRUIT. Because I'm trying not to eat sweets again, I must rely on nature's candy when I get a sweet tooth. (BTW, why do they call it a "sweet tooth", as in "I've got kind of a sweet tooth". How does that make sense? So if you like peppers and stuff, do you have a "hot tooth" or a "spicy tooth"? "sweet tooth" makes it sound like one of your teeth tastes like candy, and that's why you want more sweet stuff. But that doesn't make sense either, because if you had a tooth that was made out of candy (i.e. a sweet tart tooth), then I would think that the last thing you would want it more sweet stuff. Yup.) Anyways, so I'm a big fan of fruits. There are very few fruits that I don't like. So lets list off the three that I don't like:

1) Canteloupe - Canteloupe has a flavor that's like a donut. It's good for one serving. After that it's too much. Canteloupe isn't gross tasting, but there is nothing about the taste that makes me wanna do backflips. I have never been like MMMMMMMMM over canteloupe. I classify this as filler.

2) Honeydew - This is like canteloupes cousin cuz they're always together in the ghetto fruit salad (GFS). Honeydew has a sweeter flavor than the Cant, but it's still something that doesn't make me go WOW. However, I would go WOW with more enthusiasm with a honeydew than with a canteloupe. Honeydew does make for a good boba flavor tho. And cucumber melon scents make me wanna run around in circles until my feet catch fire (in a good way). But this too is kind of a filler.

GFS - They always sell these. These are fruit salads that consist of the following: 49% canteloupe, 49% honeydew, and 1% pineapple and 1% grapes. These are the worst, cuz you are forced to save the few pieces of pinepple and the two grapes as "oasises" from the bland taste of hdew and cant. These fruit salads are a waste of money, and are a testament to how bland and tired C and H are. Werd.

**EDIT** Forgot to put the third fruit.
DURIAN (sp?) - This spikey fruit is often eaten by fobby persons because anyone born here would not/could not eat this. It stinks SO BAD. Like, whoever was the first person to eat it better have either been 1) starving, to the point where they would eat pieces of shit. 2) lost a bet 3) playing truth or dare, and eating the durian was a dare. 4) just basically hate themselves to the point where they would do horrible things to themselves. It seriously smells like absolute crap and I just dont understand how people eat it. It's pretty much to the point where if someone took some durian into a bathroom, I would take dump to get a breath of fresh air.

And that's that.

It seems that I'm going to have to take more dance classes. In other words, I'm gonna have to find some way to take private lessons. I dont really know any super good funkstyles peoples (aka machine gon fownk, poppin' pete, etc.) and I dont feel comfortable just walking up to really good ones that I may find myself around and asking them to critique me and give me pointers. Furthermore, even if I were to do that, the stage fright would kill me and I would end up dancing way worse than the suck that I already am. The problem there is that I have very little free time now. Group classes dont work because the teacher can't give individual help. Most of the good people I do know I feel very initimidated around and/or I feel like they dont have time/just don't want to help me out. That leaves one person: Ceech. Guess I'll contact him again and we'll see what happens.

How platonic can one person be? How far and wide can this "just a friend" vibe be stretched? Lets find out. Everyone says "When you don't look for it, then you'll find it". This is true, and also WRONG WRONG WRONG. I'm not looking for a relationship right now, but I'm not gonna sit here and say that it wouldn't be nice. So lets find out. Lets see how many good friends I can make. Then once I become just friends with all of the girls in the world I'll have a good hearty laugh that i proved everyone wrong and then i'll eat a couple bottles of tylenol. =)

[disclaimer: the above paragraph is meant in jest, and does not reflect the views and opinions of my brain. This is shown by the fact that the huge revelation of a few weeks ago trumps the above paragraph. Furthermore, I would never ingest two full bottles of tylenol unless I get rejected JUST ONE MORE TIME =::::(. lolz]

Afnd on that note, that I'd again like to push my position that if you are in a loving relationship, you better shut the fuck up with that shit about how your life sucks and how everything is horrible. I see too many peoples laying it on like that on their blogs and xangas and aim profiles and even in real life. You all need to knock that shit of furealz. Life may suck, but as long as you got someone that you know will be there for you through thick and thin, it's NEVER as bad as if you had no one to turn to or talk to. And besides, when you say all that shit, how do you think that makes your bf/gf feel??? THINK, you red baboon asses!!! shoooot.

Last day of nothin' doin', and then tomorrow it's time to start the real deal. I think. lol.