I read this love poem on someone's xanga that completely blew me away.

I thought i might give a go at it. it's pretty weak because i usually dont write like this ( in this format). I tried reaching down deep into "my emotions". hehe. This is not a poem about the daily happenings of my life obviously.

anyways, even tho i dont usually ask for it. PLEASE GIVE ME FEEDBACK. This poem took me forever to write and i wanna see what people think for my next version of it. If you think it rocks, tell me. But if you think it sucks, tell me even more so. You can't fix what you can't see. Yah heard?

one other thing, when you read this poem, imagine like i'm speaking it to you. Like a spoken word kind of deal. In fact, just to complete the picture, imagine me on a stage with a microphone reading this to you, with emotion and intensity. Yeeeahh.


- - -
Love Interpretation

Okay check it...

It's hard enough trying to take this emotion that i feel whenever you happen to stroll into my thoughts and try put it down into words on paper. Add to that my limited vocabulary -- I use "nice" or "pretty" where others might use "ravishing" or "pulchritudinous" -- and the task becomes impossible, but here goes anyways. Please excuse my layman expression.

Ahem.

I wish I could forget about you everyday, so that I can learn to love you all over again. So that each and every time I could find something new and appreciate it, flaws or perfections.

Finding myself sitting in the candy aisle at the local neighborhood grocery store, where people are looking at me funny as i dig through the "serve yourself" candy. Searching for the certain pieces because I know you like the blue and yellow ones, but not the red and green ones or the green and yellow ones.

Feeling all giddy inside after i get off the phone with you, so much so that right before i fall asleep just so that i know that no one's looking, I will giggle and roll around in bed happily because the little kid inside of me is exstatic over the fact that I get to see you tomorrow, cooties or not. A man isn't supposed to do those things, but no man alive is immune to that kind of feeling.

Calling you up and the end of the day and not having to worry about if you're busy or not because I know that both of us look forward to that phone call. Conversations that flow like nothing, with the comfort of knowing exact what to say to make you smile.

Saving up my money and telling people that I'm broke so that no one knows that i'm saving up money to buy you that one thing that you've had your heart set on for years. And barely being able to stand still when I'm ordering that thing for you and imagining the smile that will stretch across that beautiful face of yours when you see it.
And..and...just like in the movies and music videos, i wanna make sure that i'm not there when you open it up. So that all that love and want to see me will build up to that one moment where I walk in and sheepishly smile at you. And you look at me and all i can see is how happy you are and for that one moment...for that one second of my life...i know i'm alive.

Because being alive is being able to let out that feeling of love..it's not even love..that's too generic. That's like calling diamonds and rubies "precious stones". It's too intense for words, so that I've been sitting here for 10 minutes, flipping through my mental thesaurus..trying to find a term that could possibly express to you the reader of how crazy it feels. An electric shock running through your spine. Nope. Having all the excitement of every single christmas morning rolled up into one. Nah. Not even close.

It's that feeling, the feeling i get when I call you up and I don't even need to say my name. I just say "Hey you, it's me". And I can HEAR you smile. I can hear that loving exhale escape from between your lips just as you say..."hi....". And even tho i may be far away from you, we sit on the phone, sometimes in silence, just so i can feel for a part of my day that i'm with you. Even if i can't be with you, lying next to you, with your head on my chest, watching you fall asleep and wondering just how is it that i found you. Even if that...then at least I know for one moment I can take my phone outside and just like that Disney movie says, I can know that we're both looking at the same sky, and the same stars, and feeling the same love.

Love that turns all the cookie cutter scenarios of running in the rain, long walks on the beach, feeding each other dessert, making each other laugh and then kissing softly afterwardsl into things you'd do over and over again forever if you could. Love renews everything as universal cliches turn into universal understandings.

That's why, when it comes down to it. It's not about the big things. It's the simple things. I could sit here and try and come up with funky new ways to think new kinds of crazy ways to express how much i love you, but that's pointless. Like i said, words just don't do any of it justice.

I can write...
How i get lost in your eyes.
How the way you look in the morning is the best thing i've had to start my day since the discovery of eggo waffles
How the way you brush the hair out of your face is comparable to the brush stroke of Monet
How you make me smile
How you make me laugh
How you make me a better man

And it all sounds the same as the stuff that's coming out of the mouth of the next guy, right? But every different relationship is like a newly discovered galaxy. It all looks the same from far away, but you can't appreciate the magnitude of it, unless you're living in it. No can see what i see, and no one will ever be able to see what i see, even if they're standing in the exact same place i'm standing now.

When i first met you, I wrote this....
"I realize this love may be nothing but a one-way street, and shit, ninety-nine point nine of me knows that if i pursue it I'm headed for a head on collision. But the risk is worth it. Because when love is left inside with no actions or discussion to emancipate it, the love spoils and turns into regrets of a lost yesterday. A lost yesteday that was filled with opportunities to squash the million and one "what if"s."

And to finally find myself here with you, it's unbelievable. This isnt like winning the lottery, not like finding gold at the end of rainbow, or a happy fortune in a cookie. This is like appreciating something that has always been there. Like finally coming home. Like that hug at the end of the day that makes all the bullshit go away.

You make it worth it.

And I love you.
- - -
What do you think? Holla back.

Ya heard?

time for a rant!

okay, so everyone knows how that mountain dew commercial from way back when pissed me off. Well, there's a new one, and it's constantly on. It's a commercial for Saturn. It's for their stupid "employee discount" thing they got going on. The guy announces that the discount is going on, and then everyone starts running over to cars yelling "dibs!". Okay that's stupid enough..but there ONE GUY at the very end..he's lying next to the car as it rotates. He's lying down in a stupid ass way. Like the way an import model would lie next to a car. And he says "Yeah I got dibs...uh huh!". Okay. the way he says "UH HUH". Wow. WOW. Make me want to buy a saturn just so i can hit him with it.

so the last time i went to vegas, I went to club pure. pure is in Cae...cea...ce..SEE-ZER's palace. Right next to the sports book. Okay, well once we got out (it was past two am), the sports book was closed. All the TVs were off, no one was working, no games were playing. I then use my cell phone to call someone..can't remember who. Anyways, this security guard comes around and tells me i need to hang up because it's against state law to use a cell phone in a sports book area. So i take two steps over and now it's okay. First of all, that's a shit job. Telling a bunch of drunk ass people to get off their cell phones must suck. They're all having a good time and ur old sorry ass who wanted to get into the police force but you couldn't because you too ugly has to tell them to simmer down and get off their cell phones. Anyways, some people got mad when they were told this. And now here's the biggie. WHY? All the screens are OFF, NO ONE is working, there is NO WAY you can make a bet...so WHO CARES. I seriously think the guy was just being a dick. Oh wells.

btw, look at this. it's off the hizzle
http://www.faithandhope.co.uk/jukebox/singinintherain.htm

"Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."

I hated that phrase. I hated it. I thought "how fucking stupid. Why would I want to know how much love hurts than to live in an ignorant bliss?". You may think i'm stupid, but if you've ever had a crush that's shot you down, a person of the opposite sex reject you to your face, or have the one true love of your life leave you, then maybe you don't.

Until yesterday, when someone helped me to break down the sentence into its parts.

Maybe it is better to have loved and lost...not because then you have a bunch of sappy memories. But rather because it takes a strong person to be able to have something and have it fail. A person who can truly appreciate and enjoy things in life is a humble person. And failed love is a true way to be humbled in life. Besides death, it may be one of the only things in life that we have no control over, and takes over our minds and bodies. (Please see old old blog about my rants about how love takes over one's entire life...ah to be young and stupid again).

Than to have never loved at all...if you've never loved, then you dont know what it's like to put things on a risk. Love is not infatuation, a fling, or a physical perk. Love leaves you in a state of vulnerability, and is the roughest teacher aside from a poli sci professor i had my last year in college. If you've never hurt, never failed, then you have never learned. And those without knowledge are ignorant, and arrogant. To truly be happy, you have to know what understand all things, because only then can you understand where you are. To be aware of one's self, is to be at peace.

which in my book, is a lot better than being happy.

or at least that's what i try to convince myself with.

back to the grind. Work and school. School will be ending in two weeks tho, so that makes me really happy. The class was kind of a let down, and the teacher was SUPER disorganized. She's very smart in the class material, but she's has no sense of organization. The topic was definitely interesting, but when u can't even get ahold of the prof, it's kinda weak. Oh wells.

House party at Jon's was cool. I was definitely feeling good from a couple of shots as well as some mixed drinks, as was Bluck (from some purple), which was both surprising and cool. Bagel, the other J but not really, Andy, Korean... were all taking part in the liquid festivities.I'm not saying that my friends are cooler when they are drunk/high, but it's nice when we are all on the a similar level of intoxication. Seems like me and Jon were the only ones drinking, but that's okay. As long as everyone had a good time, it's no worries. The house was perfect for a party because the noise level was contained extremely well. No complaints, no pigs, no nothing. It was coo. I think another party is due soon. I even saw Greg and Rock there, which was fucking nuts. I'm thinking for the next party that the place should be tarped, and Jon's room should be turned into the dance area. Keep it dark, put some lights in there..yeah. You like how I'm planning shit for a house that's not mine? But yeah, all in all, the shit was fun. I had a good time, and I left all the drama at home with my mama, just like how ur supposed to do.

Another vegas trip in August. Dude. The average cost of a flight to vegas from san jose is 200 dollars. If I leave on a Mon or a Tues...flight PLUS two nights at a Excalibur....160 bucks!!!! MGM is 210!!!!! Anyways, I already got verbal confirmation from Jon, Shan, Bryant, Brendan said he would try his hardest, and even Greg and Rock said they wanted to go. Hopefully Lindsey and some Berkeley people can come too (Vy, Janet, Lan, Alex, Hung, Eileen, etc. etc. etc.) Jon told me it's cuz everyone is bored as shit up here and it's not like San Diego where there's stuff to do. He's right, cuz planning a vegas trip in sd and finding out if people wanna go is like pulling teeth. All you gotta do up here is say, hey you wanna go to vegas and people's eyes light up. This trip is gonna be off the hook to say the least. Yeah, we'll be going during the week, but for prices like that, it's worth a day or two of vacation fo sho.

I'm feeling a whole lot better these days. Sure, sometimes I might have one or two days of feeling down every so often, but i've decided that that's okay. Everyone has that. And I know who i am, where i'm going, and what i want.

Life is good, as long as you want it to be =)

a few weeks ago i was walking into fresh choice with my parents
and this old guy walks in front of me right before i get to the door (he was leaving). As he crosses in front of me, he fucking FARTS and he keeps walking like it was chicken wing (ain't no thang). He doesn't flinch or anything or at least say SORRY. No, he FARTS in front of me and keeps on trucking. Dude, it wasn't an SBD either..it was LOUD.

okay. So he's old. I can accept that. and he farted. I can accept that too. But he FARTED in front of me WHILE I WAS WALKING INTO A RESTAURANT. That is just FUCKED UP. To subject someone to ASS when they are about to eat dinner. WTF. That old man shold be VERY happy that i didn't have any gas, or woulda hella FARTED ON HIM.

I shit you not.

Beware old man. Beware.

i stopped by ken's memorial on the way to vegas, and as i sat there thinking about him, i started writing this poem in my head.
- - -

mt. soledad fellowship
twister is what we were all playing
all that was left was me
and this one guy
I remember him well.
He was the one they called
Ken.

He always had shorts on. Always.
What guy wears shorts to mt soledad? it was freezing.
Right hand Green
Left leg Red.
His ass was in my face
and he was laughing.
Everyone was laughing.
Somebody took a picture.
That was the first time i met him.
Ken.

Cranium.
You always knew the answer, didn't you?
Screaming out the taunts
Laughing when we were frustrated
But in the end, you let it be known that
you were was dumb as us.
Pigs in the blanket was immediately guessed
by your expert imitation
of rolling yourself in a blanket.
Board games were twice as fun thanks to you.
Ken.

Vegas.
Buffets were nothing but attempts to break
world eating records.
Pushing the chairs together to
make a makeshift bed
A power nap is good to make yourself hungry.
Burping to make more room for pasta.
Running in the rain was only dumb until we got soaked
Paigow was a fun game
since you yelled out that
8 is a lucky number in china
3 is a lucky number in indonesia
5 is a lucky number in japan
yes, we couldn't lose.
Seems like we were never losers as long as you were there
Ken.

And now here i stand
in the hot sun
looking down at a picture of you
smiling back at me.
A million and one memories running through my head
and all million and one involve you laughing and smiling.
Dark days just aren't as dark, because i know you're still here
In our hearts and in our minds, you never really left
and you never really will.
Ken.