Let's try this again

 Ten years out from my last blog. 

Let's try this again. 

I think this blog will be more valuable than it used to be. I feel like before I was searching for reasons to write. I was trying to find ways to make the things in my life interesting as then I could present them in a way that others might be impressed by. 

I have a feeling this blog will be written more for me than for an audience. 

But hey, what do I know? I'm just older, not necessarily smarter. 

Solo trips

Being here in Hawaii is pretty different than the other trips I've been on here. Probably because for one, I came alone. Granted I'm staying with a friend, but heading out on my own was nice. It occurred to me that possibly coming by myself, just renting a place for a week, and going on every single hike possible would be pretty amazing.

I've found that when I'm in hawaii - maybe it's because i've been here frequently due to dad's side of the family being from here - i don't like any touristy stuff. At all. I'd be perfectly happy just sticking to spots that locals frequent - beaches, restaruants, hikes, etc. Any place that has a tourist feel or caters to tourists I'd much rather just avoid.

I think a part of losing myself here on this current trip is that i have this perception that there's really nothing back home for me right now. There is a good reason why i just up and left to go to hawaii. I needed something fresh. I needed a break. It's interesting how I can feel down about something in life, but in retrospect I look at those past troubles the same way I would look upon a teenager complaining about how their life sucks. It would seem that learning from different perspectives is true; even if that different perspective is your own.

I'm not trying to be melodramatic here; I think too often I "force" it, trying to be/seem thoughtful. It's like a poet sitting outside on a cold morning with a pipe in his mouth writing down lines that seem entirely too forced and obvious. I'd try to be "deep" or "intense". But when you're trying to be at a deepness level of 10 when you're emotionally stuck at a 5, everything you write or produce just comes out reading like a pre-teen diary entry.

It's just that when the world seems like never changes, that doens't necessarily mean that it's standing still. The world, and your life, can seem like it never changes while constantly moving. The world and everyone in it can be constantly moving around/past you, running in circles around you.

This trip was just relaxing on a different level. I don't know how else to put it.

Food inventory

Today at the grocery store, I witnessed the following. I was looking at milk options, standing adjacent to the egg section. A couple walked by the eggs and said the following:

Guy: Do we have any eggs at home?

He said this in a normal voice. The girl didn't even have time to think about their current inventory of eggs before the guy raises his voice seriously like 3 levels and says

Guy: WELL??? DO WE??? HUH?????!!!!!

As always, I try to think of possible situations of why this would happen. Maybe Monday is ommelette day. Maybe they had an argument last week about how many eggs they have and he saved it for the next time they went to the story. Maybe his mom was a chicken and he's very sensitive about eggs. Who knows.

All i know is that the next time they're at the store, I hope I'm there and I hear them say the following:

Guy: Hey, do we have any eggs at ho--
Girl: EIGHTEEN, MOTHER FUCKER.

Know thyself

Life is crazy. And yet it's pretty void of anything as well.

My friend told me the other day that the problem with how i approach thing is that a single thing, be it good or bad, seeps into everything else in my life. This means of course, that when something good happens, I'm walking on sunshine. However, when something bad happens, which I would say is much too often (although that is definitely a result of my perspective), it makes for some meloncholy days.

That's how it is.

However, in the past few months..hell in the past year, I've learned some important lessons. I've learned a lot about myself. Some good. Some bad. More than anything, I've learned how important it is for me to stop judging myself. However, I feel that that too is part of who i am. I have some limitations in my life, and the only person who I can blame for them is myself. I have parts of my life that are lacking, and the only person who I can blame for them is myself.

There is a big difference between being emo and being analytical. I believe this post to be the latter.

I want to think that I'm being smart here. That I'm taking the part of my life and putting them under a microscope in order to understand them better. However, I don't believe this is the case. I believe what I'm doing is taking the same crumbs that have always been on my plate and simply trying to cut them in half, rearrange them, group them, etc. in order to try to pull something else out of it.

And that, is simply a waste of time.

It's time to stop fighting everything about myself and try to accept who I am. And if those parts are bad/lacking, then so be it. The only thing I can do is enjoy it. For better or for worse.

Lessons in life

I seriously think that the best lessons in life are the hardest/painful ones. This is because these lessons are the ones that you learn the most from.

The greatest goals are the ones that are the most difficult to achieve, because those are the ones that you can savor the most. Those are the ones can you appreciate the most.

2012

2012 was not a very good year. In fact, it was horrible. But 2013 is finally here, and I'm hoping with that, better moments.

I think if there's one thing I can say about 2012, it's that it's given me perspective on various things in life. And maybe that, if anything, is the one silver lining.

"update"

Giving up is good and bad at the same time.

Ignorance is bliss, but it also means you're an idiot.

Comparison of lives is the worst thing one can do to themselves.

My life is the movie Hedgehog Day, but just change up the meals. 

It's a good thing the tree in front of my house is a lemon tree. It forces me to go to the store. If the tree was an orange tree, I'd die from on overdose of vitamin C.

Driving rules

I think that if you change lanes without using your blinker, for 30 seconds, your car should use double the amount of gas. That is the price you pay for driving like a bitch.

Also, when people get to a red light, why do some people leave an exorbitant amount of space between their car and the car in front of them?  The other day, I was stopped at a light, and the car next to me had left two car lengths of space between them and the car in front. Compounding this irritant, I also wonder why people then move forward randomly. This pisses me off because if you're the car behind them, it now either a) makes you look like the dick or b) now requires you to move up randomly as well.

I also enjoy when people tailgate me when I'm in the second lane over, when there are empty faster lanes to the left of me. I then see how long they are willing to tailgate me at 10mph below the speed limit. It's quite a fun game.

I Fail

Life is a series of failures
and of few successes
And
Whenever I'd fail.
I'd always think,
there's still time.

Time to prove it to her
to him
to me
That I can do it.
That I can make it.

And so I'd fail
And I'd fail.
And each time I did
And each time I do
I tell myself
"Not good enough"
and mentally jab myself.

They say that when you fail
you learn.
What doesn't kill you
makes you stronger
makes you smarter
makes you numb
But how do you define
"smarter"
and how do you define
"stronger"

Every time I fail
I learn about myself
I mentally gain,
Physically fail,
And remain in the same place.

So caught in this whirlwind of thoughts
filled with patterned chaos
I wonder
Is there still time?

F it

I'm back.

laters.

new blog elsewhere. You know what to do if you want the url.

Pointless blog

Yesterday I had my first pizza with anchovies. It was a bit too salty for my taste, but I  can appreciate the departure from the standard salty italian meats and cheese.

Speaking of food, it looks like Alex at the Wynn, which from my understanding was one of the only good high class restaurants in Vegas, is closing on the 15th of this month. Dammit. They said that they Wynn was turning it into an event space. WTF. So they're not even going to open up a new restaurant? Bah.

On the other hand, I heard that the new hotel/casino, Cosmopolitan is going to have an ultra exclusive restaurant called "e". It only has six tables in the entire restaurant. The fixed menu is 15-20 small plates for $150+. Hmm..I dunno bout the whole "small plates" thing. I don't want to drop two bills only to leave the restaurant and hit up del taco because I'm still hungry.

Exercise plan is in effect. But I'm going to have exercise tomorrow morning. Ugh.

This blog sucked. I'll try again later.

Reality

Deep down, every asian girl wants to marry a white guy.

Deep down, every asian guy wants to have sex with a white girl.

That's the reality of this world. Deal. 

Facebook summed up in a few paragraphs

oh facebook. You were so cool when you first came out and kicked myspace out of the realm of significance. But now you're dumb. and repetitive.

Yes, fb has pretty much become the place for people to keep everyone up to date on what they're doing - or put more directly, a place for people to compare lives - or put more directly than that, a place for people to brag about what they're doing.

Unfortunately, facebook can be summed up in the following:

All facebook is, is:

Status messages:
TODAY I DID THIS AWESOME THING
or
I JUST GOT BACK FROM THIS AWESOME THING
or
I'M DOING THIS AWESOME THING RIGHT NOW WHICH IS AWESOME, BUT I STILL NEED TO STEP AWAY FROM ITS AWESOMENESS TO POST ON FB ON HOW AWESOME IT IS.

And there there's pictures, which are pretty much:
LOOK AT THIS HELLA GOOD FOOD I'M EATING!!!
or
LOOK AT THIS HELLA COOL SCENERY I'M SEEING!!!
or
LOOK AT ME AND MY BF/GF!!! LOOK!!!!
(or more specifically:
LOOK AT MY AND MY BF/GF DRESSED UP!!!
or
LOOK AT ME KISSING MY BF/GF ON THE CHEEK!!!!
or
LOOK AT ME AND MY BF/GF PUTTING OUR HEADS THROUGH THOSE THINGS AT AMUSEMENT PARKS WHERE THERE ARE HOLES FOR PEOPLE'S HEADS ABOVE CARTOON BODIES!!
)

Unfortunately, facebook is an addiction. How else can you keep up with the hundreds of past acquaintances that you have?

New Year's resolution - reduce amount of time on facebook and then eventually delete profile.

Haven't I seen you around here?

A little perspective goes a long way.

annnddd. I'm back.

Live with your parents forever

I've been in my new place about 4 months now. It's nice to have a place to call my own, but i actually kind of miss living with my parents. For one thing, it's hella cheaper. I never though I would be spending this much on groceries! Another thing, it was nice to come home to a meal rather than having to come home and cook one - though I will say I'm starting to enjoy cooking. The last thing was it was nice living with people. Living on your own takes some real getting used to. It's extremely quiet, and there are some days when (working from home) if it wasn't for meetings, I wouldn't talk to a single person. Some days it's nice because I can get work done and concentrate. Other days it's pretty depressing. Finally, it's just nice to be able to spend so much time with your parents.

On the other hand, living with your parents is living with your parents. And by the time you're 30, it's time to move out. Plus, at that age, it's about time you get out of your parents hair so they dont have to worry about supporting you.

Honestly, there's a lot I want to do with this place, but that takes a good amount of money. So I gotta wait. Or win the lottery.

So that's my message to everyone. Live with your parents and stay happy and rich forever.

Went back to the gym. Wow. I've really let myself go. I think i might sign up for a run (maybe the urbanathlon again), or possibly do team in training. Some extra motivation never hurt.

In regards to my last post, I would say that if you read it, you might as well just not try to get what I'm trying to say. A few people have commented on it, and everyone has been completely off with what they thought I was trying to say. Just dont worry about it.

"Get busy living or get busy dying. That's goddamn right"

Still looking for a purpose. For a reason.
Been thinking a lot about life. When life allows you too much time to think, you tend to overthink things. You eventually come across questions that are impossible to answer. Questions that can drive you to the past the point of frustration.

Have I made a mark on this world? Am I making a difference somehow? Were my life to come to an unfortunate end, would I be forgotten in a couple months?

I gotta get out there and find more stuff to do with my life. There's got to be more than this, and I don't mean just friendships and social stuff. There has to be more, or will continue to question to the value of what I'm doing with my life.

Life is short, and it scares me to no end that once our time comes to an end, that there's nothing after that. The idea of an afterlife, or even some kind of consciousness, is at the most most a gamble. I believe that religions came up with an answer as to what happens when you die in order to calm the masses and of course, to get people to join their religion and add to the collection box. What if, in fact, you simply cease to exist. No consciousness, no thoughts. Nothing, you're simply gone. Forever. This very idea frightens me to my very core.

With that fear, every day that goes by where I question what value I have made makes me more and more frustrated. I'll find the answer eventually though. I know I will.

dammit.

I know, I know. you're probably thinking that this blog is done.

The fact is, I've been extremely stressed lately. Work has been kicking my ass. Been looking for more out of life, but fallen short. The justification and attempts to keep myself afloat just really aren't cutting it these days. On the contrary, these probably serve to push me under the flow of everything even more so.

At some point, I really wanted to turn my life around. Make some changes. Go in a different direction. But the more I want to do that, the more I see how hard/impossible it is.

you really want something to show you that you're worth it. (To make it clear, I'm not talking about a relationship). I'm talking about something in life that keeps you grounded. Something that lets you know that if you were to die tomorrow, that who you were wouldn't disappear from everyone's minds in a few months.

You can't expect your perspective of your life to improve by big events and going out and stuff. That's just medicating yourself. It's the things inbetween that needs to count for something. The unsaid items. The general taste of one's life.

I don't expect or think it's possible for anyone to understand what I'm getting at here.

My apologies. I'll try to write something with a bit more humor in the near future. On the other hand, I feel like writing this kind of perspective stuff is actually a bit refreshing.

Rough days

These last few days have probably been the hardest days of my life. My dad had scheduled heart surgery, and it went well. He's been in the ICU for the last two days. And while I know everything is going to be fine, I'm not going to feel okay until my dad is finally home. I i could take the pain from his body and put it in my own, i would do so in a heartbeat.

Spending all day in the hospital is surprisingly draining, even though my family doesn't do anything besides sit. We're only allowed to go into the icu every two hours.

I really don't like seeing my dad in a hospital bed. The nurses and doctors tell us that everything is fine and that there's nothing to worry about, and I take a small amount of comfort in knowing that a nurse/doctor is in the room with him 24 hours a day. But even so, it's difficult.

It's emotionally draining to say the least.

It's weird to be in the ICU waiting area. Some families here are waiting patiently. Some are laughing and socializing. Some are holding each other and crying. It's a chaotic mix of emotions and feelings. I don't envy those that have to be here every day for weeks. On the plus side, they serve free coffee/tea/candy in the waiting room. The comfortableness of the chairs leave much to be desired.

But I can't think of any of that stuff. None of it stays in my head anyways. I just want my dad to get better.

Routine

I'm in the biggest of routines. Cemented and certified. This is how life will be for a while. A long while.

This is as much as life has to offer right now. And I'm too busy in this routine to care. I got shit to take care of, and crap to do.