Yesterday was Jon's bday. We had a pie potluck. There was so much food, and WAY too many pies. Seriously there was like 12 pies. It will never be finished, and Jon will keep them until they are unfit to eat and will still eat them. That is how Jon rolls. Whoever created the phrase, "waste not, want not" would be extremely proud of Jon. Anyways, there was a good number of people who showed up, and there was some good conversation. Unfortunately, it was on a weeknight, so a lot of people left early because they needed to sleep. I left last. I got less than 5 hours of sleep and nearly fell asleep at my morning meeting. Because that's how you do it when you're young. You sleep little, live hard by falling asleep at meetings, and eat a lot of pie. Do work, son.

I am happy right now because the project i'm working on at work finally did not fail in it's installation, and now I get to sit here for three hours to document it and see how long it takes to install. Wheeeee.

Thanks Mr. and Mrs. H for the belated bday present. They got me this thing from sharper image that sucks the extra air out of a bottle of unfinished wine, so it'll keep longer. This is the perfect gift considering I just bought 3 bottles of the wine that i had been looking for. There is ONE store that carries it and I was ecstatic to find out that they still had some (the winery that produced it had run out). I was going to buy 10 bottles of it, but I figured that was kind of a lot. I think I may go back to buy one more tho, because I think four is enough.

anyways, it's only wednesday and i really wish it was friday. Oh wells.

oh boy! time for a relationship rant. Lately i've been noticing a bunch of different things around me, and while all of them are different, I'm going to smash them all together into one rant. ready??? =D

I don't get it. I really don't. I understand that love, or what you think is love, is strong. and blind, and deaf, and dumb. But how is it that love, or what wanting of it, or the paranoia of being alone, can make you lose all respect for yourself? I see so many people where they either keep getting back with someone who disrespects them, or is so LOCKED on someone who clearly is not good for them that it's mind numbing. There are so many people out there..so many people who can make you happy in different ways...why get stuck on one person? and even worse than that, if you've given someone a chance, and they failed in a not so nice way, why would you go back to them? why would you consider going back them? Why would you think you're not good enough to say "you know what? all the old fucking cliches ARE true. It IS your loss, and I DO deserve someone better".

You know, it's so easy to say that it's too hard. It's so easy to stick with what you know, with what you're comfortable with. It's so easy. I read a xanga where the author had gotten into a fight with their significant other, and had said how they had been together for so long that the spark had gone out. "where was the fun?", they asked. "I thought relationships were supposed to fun and wonderful". They then went on to say that it they were taking each other for granted. They then said, that it didn't matter because a week from now, they would just end up apologizing to each other, and the cycle would continue. They ended it with saying that they would just end up getting married eventually. All i'm going to say is: Wow. It's so easy to stick with what you know. But all you need to do is step back. Yes, I KNOW IT'S CLICHE, but you have to learn. and i'm not talking about stepping back as in "you know, I think I should date again" or "I need to find someone better". I mean in terms of your life. It takes a long time..it took me YEARS to learn how, and I'm not that good at it. It's so hard to explain in written word...but you have to learn how to step back and look at yourself and see why you're doing the things you do.

I don't think it's bad to fall in love with someone. love them. LOVE THEM UNTIL YOUR FACE HURTS. But godDAMMIT...you should NEVER NEED someone. Love and necessity are two different things. Love and fear of being alone are two different things. Do you know what true love is? I probably don't, but I think the best thing I learned about it was that true love helps you understand yourself better. It helps you appreciate yourself. It helps you love yourself. Okay this shit is getting way too complicated. At this point, this entry would be like 40 pages. My point is...I guess I just don't understand. I don't understand how people can get stuck on someone who clearly is not right/not good/not helping for them. That is not love. That is infatuation.

Now, what kind of psycho analyst and student of human nature would I be if I didn't turn the microscope on myself. I do think that the reason why I dislike it...is because I've been there..i was super infatuated, I couldn't let go...all of that. And I hated who I was when I acted like that. Those things I labeled as "weak", and I have a thing with being walked all over and being seen as "weak". That's one of my insecurities. The truth is when I see people acting like that, it reminds me of who I used to be, and I guess I just can't stand it. Because while I truly believe I've grown up, there's always the fear that I might be like again (very unlikely), and I would seriously kick myself in the balls like 20 times.