recap is still in the works. give it time.

this week has been cool visiting people and catching up with folks. Got my new years plans down finally. Gonna hit up a party in SF, and i even found a ride. sweet. Made my stress level go way down.

Went with Shan to SF. Stopped by the Paul Frank store. I still dont get it. Also, finally hit up H&M in SF..it was aight. Also went to Chinatown and saw some guy shooting up on the sidewalk. Chinatown had some good smells coming from the restaurants, but it is also the dirtiest streets i've ever seen. The whole time i was there I kept thinking about how Mel had told me that Imperial Palace smells kind Chinatown. Well, now that i've been to chinatown, i can test that theory next time i'm in vegas.

it's been a good two months. I've been thinking, or not been thinking, about a lot of things, and the shit has just stuck. I'm happy to say. I'll include all what i've been thinkinga bout in my recap of 2005.

Tired of putting up with some shit.

Sleepy. will finish one last thought when i get up.

vegas was...

damn..

fun just aint a good enough word for it.
fucking fun isn't good enough either.

I had hella fun. HELLA fun. I haven't had that fun in so long i can't even think of words to describe it. I've been home for two days now, and all i can think about is how much of a good time i had and how i want to go back.

So why was it so good?

People - So I went with Jon. Then Jon invited his friend Vi. Vi asked if her friend Matt could come. Then I called my friend Joyce (in LA) to see if she wanted to go. So basically you had five people who only knew one other person. And it turned out absolutely fine. Everyone on the trip was hella laid back and was down to do anything. There was ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING DRAMA!!!! (You've heard my argument on how vegas is a amp for whatever you're feeling..so this is VERY important). There was some good conversations, lots of laughs, jokes, etc. etc. etc. This was one of the best groups I've been to vegas with. This also proves my friend Mel's point that smaller groups are more fun to roll with.

Alcohol - I drank A LOT. I drank both nights I was there, with the 2nd night resulting in a very long and very satisfying buzz. I haven't drank that much in a while, so it didn't take much to get me faded. Gambling while drunk was not smart, but who cares...it was hella fun. We brought two bottles of liqs with us so we could drink in the room, and oh how we did.

Food - we ate at two buffets...paris and aladdin. Aladdin's buffet was one of the best buffets I've had in vegas. The food was really good and there was a big variety. The only downside was when I saw this old guy feel up all the crossants (sp?). He touches all of them and then doesn't take one! wtf. But yeah, the food was really good, but the service was kinda ugh. Paris on the hand wasn't that great, but the service was good. However, good service doesn't mean anything if the food is bland. The dessert bar at Aladdin's was bomb too..they had freakin' cotton candy!!!

Then of course we ate at IP. I didn't get a prime rib sandwich tho because the steak and eggs looked too damn good. I had a bite of jon's tho, just so i could say that i had some. (holla back ken)

Clubbing/Dancing - oh MAN did i DANCE MY FUCKING ASS OFF. I danced A LOT the entire trip. The first night we went to this ultra lounge called the Mix (@ Mandalay Bay...20 dollar cover for guys. Free for girls), had some drinks and chilled. After that, we went downstairs and went to this club called The Foundation Room. 30 dollar cover for guys (ouch), but whatevers. Three rooms...hip hop, house, and funk/oldies. I was in the later two the whole night because the hip hop room was packed like damn. Anyways, I finally got the chance to battle jon...which i lost every time, but it's just good to try. A battle circle even opened up in one of the rooms!! Anyways, I danced my ass off that night.
The next night, after searching everywhere and finding that most clubs were closed...even Pure (weak), we finally found ourselves at Lure, an ultra lounge at Wynn. Hopes weren't that high for dancing since it was an ultra lounge, but fortunately there was a dance floor. Plus, there was no cover! So we got some drinks and then headed on to the dance floor with some of the worst dancers i've ever seen. Luckily, the floor cleared out at around 3AM, so we were able to dance with a lot of space. All in all, there were some damn good dance sessions..and i think i got a smidge better. Not by much tho..i still have a lot to learn.

Gambling - This was a VERY good trip in terms of gambling for me. I came up in slots, let it ride, craps, and even roulette. I didn't come up that much, but the very fact that i wasn't DOWN is very good. Even after paying for the flight and hotel, i still had most of my money. Good stuff.

I had a great time, and i can't wait to go back, hopefully with the same peoples soon.

Procrastination blog #2

It's amazing how one's sense of humor changes over time, and yet not at all. Check this out. This is from my old blog, dated Sept 11th, 2002:

dude, my dog tried to bite me yesterday. I guess i shouldn't have tried to grab her to come inside. But i was carrying her inside, and she tried to bite me, but she couldn't reach so she was swaying her head from side to side. so at first i thought she was trying to dance, and i was like dude you dumb dog this is no time for dancing. And then i realize that she was trying to be like Ruff McGruff and take a bite out of crime, except this time it wasn't crime, it was steve. And then I put her down and I got angry and she was sad. And so i told her to go to bed and then she did. And then I went to go see how she was doing and she was still sad and i was like dude u tried to eat my flesh. And then she was like yeh well you should have just told me to come in. And i was like man, i did and you just looked back and me and I saw you roll your eyes and just lay back down. And she didn't have any response to that. And then she burped really loud. Then there was an awkward silence that lasted like 30 seconds and then things went back to normal.

okay, actually i my dog was chillingoutside..i had let her out cuz i thoughtshe had to pee. But then she just laid down and i was like hey come inside. And then she didn't, so i went to go pick her up and carry her inside, cuz i don't wanna drag her along. And then while i was doing that she tried to bite me! so i dropped her and scolded her. Wow, I've never seen a dog look so sad. I felt bad so i made it up to her by rubbing her belly.

If there was dog running at you at full speed and you knew it was gonna attack you, what would you do?there's no way you could outrun it. And what if you were against a wall??? Then what? Dude i know what i would do. First, I would piss myself, cuz i know the dog would whoop my ass. And then, one of two things. 1) take off my shirt/sweatshirt/jacket...run at the dog...throw one of my shoes at it to kinda mess it up for a second and then like throw my shirt over it's head and wrap it around and stuff so it couldn't get it off..and then it's rumble in the bronx time or 2) wait for the dog to come running and then with absolute precision...i would punch it right in the face..RAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Now, if it was a cat, then I would just throw a fireball at it.

Wow. That shit sucked. I mean, the way I ended it was pretty lame in each paragraph. "Throw fireball at it"...what the fuck is that???? fucking stupid is what. Okay, lemme rewrite it so something i think sounds better. By doing this, we can see how the sense of humor has changed.

okay WTF...so the other day my dog tried to BITE me. Okay, so i was this dumb animal who relied on someone to FEED me, give me a BED, pay the bills to keep my house warm, and let me out TO PISS, I think i would treat them a little better than trying to BITE them. That bitch! Aight, in her defense, I was trying to grab her to come inside, and I AM quite beautiful, so I can understand how she could be jealous of me. But seriously, that's not reason to BITE me. WTF. I mean, YOU DO WHAT I SAY YOU DUMB DOG OR YOU GET THE BOOT. Anywayz, so she was trying to bite me, but because I had grabbed her from behind, she couldn't reach my hands so she kept moving her head side to side. Damn dog was trying to dance. So i threw her down and said "what bitch??? you wanna battle???". And she said "BARK!" ("Hell yeah you punk ass other fucker" and "BARK!" ("You're about to get served up something hot, son, and i'm not talking bout my poops") Anyways, really tho, so after she tried to bite me, I put her down and yelled at her, and for some reason my dog is really scared of me, so anytime i raise my voice she reacts immediately. And she got all sad, so I was like dude, it's your fault, you tried to BITE me. And she was like well, you didn't have to grab me from behind. I'm a girl dog. And you know how girls get all mad if you get on them from behind in a club? it's the same thing. And I was like bullshit. you're not a girl. we had you fixed, so now ur a blank. And she got even more sad, so we fought it out. She beat me by doing a dragon punch while I was blocking, but my energy was down to zero, so that's FUCKING CHEAP, and she got a cheese for doing that shit. hahah.. that reminds me of some comedy skit show on tv where this guy was doing kung fu, and then he gets knocked down so he tells his dog to go fight, and then in the next shot you see the guy blocking all these punches from obviously fake dog arms.

Anyways, the truth of it, is she was sitting outside, but I had to leave so i told her to come inside. When she didn't, I had to go pick her up, and she then moved to sink her incisors into my hands. Commence yelling, dog gets sad. I make it up to her by rubbing her belly.

I will say this tho. If that dog ever successful bites me, it will immediately feel what it's like to be on the receiving end of a ferocious bite. LOL.

I still want to test out my theory of if a dog was running at your top speed to attack you, could you take it out with one well timed punch to the chops? now THAT would be a kodak moment if you could take a pic at the point of impact, or the failed attempted with the dog biting your ass. If i did have to fight a dog, I would want it to be a docile loveable sheepdog that decides to go to sleep in the middle of running at me. Then we would play catch as the sun goes down. huh????

Yes. Much better. Well, maybe not..maybe just more random and angry. lol.

one more paper and then i'm done!

I'm currently at the library, on a rented laptop that SJSU rents out to students fo free (one of the few perks of going to this school).

It's finals week, and there's one library. Not two. No CLICS. That means that all of the people that want to study and all the people that just want to goof off come to the same place.

why the FUCK do people come to library if you're not going to study???? I dont understand it. I was sitting on the 3rd floor, studying. These two dumbass girls next to me were sitting there talking about their friends and gossiping the whole time. One girl didn't even have her books out! She had on all this USC stuff on...well, you ain't gonna get into that school without passing your finals, you stupid bitch!! ARGH. To the left of me was this large girl who was listening to her ipod while studying, AND singing along with it. In addition to that, she was one of those people are just loud in general. Breathes all loud, every time she moves she had to sigh hella hard cuz of the effort, talks to herself hella loud, face is hella loud, everything hella loud.

So i moved.

Then i was next to these two fools who were just sitting there, with no books in front of them. Oh wait, i forgot..one of them had A CALCULATOR out in front of them! They had a two hour conversation on how they were gonna fix up their cars, and then talked about how they were gonna be part time jobs as mop boys at the porno arcades on 6th street in the city after they flunked the fuck outta SJSU.

For every person studying in this library, there's a group of people chatting it up and laughing, or someone who's playing fucking poker online with the sound turned on.

SJSU. What a school.

On the plus side, i saw a super hot asian girl here. yow.

finals will be done in 24 hours. can't wait.

vegas will be arrived at in 4 days. can't wait.

life will be over in 53 years. cant wait. jk. jk jk jk!!!!

procrastination blog #1

i'm so tired of trying to come up with reasons why my life is so bad. i need to stop looking at other's lives as a standard. Life post college is quite different, and even so, for most after college, there are different circumstances.

what exactly am i looking for? i'm not sure.

maybe deep down i'm just trying to keep myself busy in order to keep from seeing that deep down i'm everything that i dont want to be. That in the face of adversity, i'm the one that will lie down and get run over.

i'm so tired of needing something in order to give myself personal worth.

the sad thing about all of this is that if i had an active social life. i probably wouldnt' be thinking these thoughts.

or if i was done with finals.

i want my masters. i want to be done with school. i want to be done with this fucking stage of my life so i can go on and complain about the next one.

i just really need to stop caring about things that dont give a shit about my existance.
when i do, i'll be much happier.

i.e. i need to stop pondering what would have happened if i had stayed down in sd. would life have been better? maybe. maybe not. it's done.

that's what growing up is. Letting go of everything that you can't control.

but what if, after you're done letting go of everything,

you have nothing?

okay, so i have a few friends who are going through some ROUGH shit right now. And all of them are due to relationship troubles. I recently talked to one of them about their troubles..well, i talked to all of them. And i took the emotions that some of them are feeling, and i tried to put together a poem based off of it. I wrote this on a whim, in less than 10 minutes, so dont expect anything good.

I think i'll write another one based on another set of emotions that they're going through tomorrow. I'm also gonna write another version of "love interpretation" (or start one), and write another one...i'm not so sure what the last one will be on. Guess i'll just have to see.

got work early tomorrow tho. payce out.
- - -
you have no idea.

seems like we're all experts
and putting on a smile
wearing it out until you can hardly stand it
a fake emotion for a fake set of thoughts
"I'm okay".
"I'm strong".

You think it's okay
you're think you're okay
everything's gonna be okay.

I could tell myself that a million times
and i'll forget it a million and one.

Putting yourself on the line for the sake
of something that at best will make you happy
but at worst will tear you apart?
are you crazy?
I wouldn't take those odds.
I wouldn't...

Because you hear the same words every time
a promise of something special
permanent
something that you will treasure forever
and all it'll cost you
all it'll cost you
oh you dont want to hear it.
oh it's nothing really
you won't even care. really.

so you told me the words that i wanted to hear
how can such a words that spring from a beautiful medium
fill my ears and dreams with ripples of hope
and yet fall to my heart
like empty shells.

But it's okay
it's okay.
i'll forget eventually

eventually i'll be able to hold my head up high.

when you walk by,
i'll smile like it's nothing.
because it is.

oh, your smile may spark a thousand memories
but the words will never escape my lips,
the tears will never pass through my eyes,
and the emotions will never persist through my heart,
because

i'm okay.
i tell myself.
everyday.

i tell myself

I'm okay.

this is a rant. just to warn you. it's a rant.

I'm writing this because of the things that i've seen happen around me in the past two weeks.

dude guys are such fucking wolves. As soon as a girl is single, there are always one or two guys waiting to pounce. The SECOND the girl is up for grabs, guys will go all out. You dont see this happening the othe way around, because why would it? Why do anything when the guy will bust his fucking balls just trying to get you to go out with him?

A girl breaks up with her boyfriend, and a day later she has guys clobbering one another just to get to her first. It's fucking ridiculous. That's why if you got money, if you got a looks, if you got lots of shit, then you combine it into a three hit combo that's sure to knock the girl out. Or try to.

So fuck it man. Let everyone play their goddamn games. Girls, go ahead and make the guys jealous. Play mind games. Do this do that. Dont think about consequences. Guys, go ahead and put materialistic shit first. spit your game. Flash ridiculous amounts of money. Do whatever it takes to get the girl, because that's what counts. Then both of you, talk about how the other sex sucks and plays games and is dumb and stupid and evil and how you're a fool to have anything to do with them.

i'm saying this because i think the most beautiful thing in the world is to be in love with someone. And i'm tired of seeing people take it for granted and treat it like shit. I'm tired of people complaining about how much their lives fucking suck even tho they have someone who loves them so. It irritates me that people dont see that love is more than just spending the night at each other's place and holding hands in public. Love is a beatiful thing, and it should be treated like such.

Why care?

Because i don't have it. And my window to love and relationships is by watching other people.

But I dont have the balls to put my neck on the line. I dont have wads of cash i can throw around. I dont have nice things, and i dont have good looks. I dont have the pieces and the dice to play the damn games, and even then, i dont know the rules anyways.

I used to think it was as simple as you like someone, they like you back. You fall in love. and bam, there you are. You're happy.

But it aint that way. Because it's a game, isn't it? And whoever has the most points wins. You dont want to be out of the game, because that would be horrible. So you play no matter what. No matter what. It doesn't matter if you're hearts in it, or if you're just playing for the hell of it.

You're thinking "you're just jealous"

Yeah.

I am.

love is a beautiful fucking thing. And i dont have it. I'm jealous of those that have it.

But if you yearn for it, you'll never find it.

Catch 22 .... in order to find love, you have to not look for it. But in order to not look for it, you have to find/have it.

I care less about it these days, that's for sure, because to be honest it just aint that pure anymore. Reality has a way of dirtying things up like that. So in that sense, i'm glad i'm out of the game. I'm glad i'm not trying, or forcing, or pushing. Trying to throw together a sad front of a wanna be game so i can try and find something that give me meaning. Make me feel needed (see wilson post a few back) Too bad that I'd rather keep my mouth shut then find myself int he same routine as those around me.

Even tho i'm not in the game, it still gets frustrating. and sometimes you just gotta scream out for a second.

So that's why i'm writing this,
and now it's out.

So i'm done.

I'm okay. I think.