2005.

2005 was a milestone year for me.

Mentally, I pretty much grew into a different person. Shedding the skin of my college years, with all of the emotions and memories and stuff i was used to, was extremely difficult. In addition to the various thoughts of leaving behind a lot of things and ditching all my friends, I had a lot of self-doubt. If what I was doing with my life was the right thing. In a pitiful attempt, I tried to keep my "san diego" self as sustained as possible while up here in san jose. The resulting outcome was a stressed out, pissed off person who's health was affected by the contact negative feelings. Wow.

Then came July. That trip to Monterey. The aquarium. I remember a long time ago, when I had first gotten down to SD, I had told brendan one time when he was stressed out: "Hey man, we should go to Monterey next time i come up. That city always relaxes me and helps me think. I like it so much that sometimes I think about buying a place there so i'll always have a place to stay when i go there". Well, when we went, I hadn't been to Monterey in many many years. Going there was the first time that I felt like i had started to let some things go and accept that life has to change. Seems stupid, huh? Such a simple truth. But i was so stubborn, that I fought everything around me. My work ethic in school suffered greatly, and while I still did okay on the work, my heart definitely wasn't in it.

But as I stood on the back "porch" of the aquarium, and I saw the ocean stretched out in front of me, I started to discover a new appreciation for what was around me. This was a dark ocean, the ice cold water filled with seaweed and animal life, with coasts that consisted of rocks, not sand. This was the beach that I grew up with, not the sunny warm waters of La Jolla. To say that standing on that porch was a moment of catharsis for me is an understatment. I'm not being cheesy when I saw that that trip was the first moment since i got back where i felt genuinely like myself again.

After that, I tried my best to take a step back and look at what was around me. As the bitterness and negativity slowly melted away, I found both a sense of "coming home" (duh) to stuff that I had grown up with but never really took the time to appreciate. And even better, there was much to discover and explore (i.e. where are the good places to eat?, oh crap! there's actually good japanese food!) I got used to being on my own during the day, not eating out all the time, pretty much never eating pho or boba, and shopping at GOOD grocery stores.

Nevertheless, there are days where I can feel that feeling come back. A sad feeling that things that i left behind are gone completely, with no way that i can find them again. I've pretty much given up the idea that I will ever be as close with my friends down in san diego as when i lived down there. People change, and it's hard. I still stories from time to time from the few i still keep in touch down there..about the places that were my old stomping grounds, the house parties, the clubbing trips. And in a way, I envy them. I want to be there with them. And yet..that feeling has died out...just a melancholy aftertaste, I suppose. If i were to go back, I would feel so out of place it would be like my experience of moving back to san jose all over again. I'd have to find myself again, and after the delight that I became when I went through that the first time, I think i'll pass.

Dont get me wrong. My college years were the best fucking years of my life. I learned so much about life, about myself, about everything. Everything that I had always wanted my life to be had become reality while i was going to college. I was in a great fraternity with a shitload of awesome friends and i had a beautiful girlfriend. I was so happy that it almost seems like a dream when i think about it now. I will never ever forget my time in college, and can never express how grateful i am for being able to go down there and experience what i did. But it's done now.

Anyways...YES, i feel good. Somedays i feel great. I have to look ahead to the future without staring at the past. cuz if I don't, and i let the past affect where i'm looking, i'll run into a pole. A pole with spikes on it. And the spikes are covered in cilatro.

Life is different now, and in a way, I'm glad it is. I had to change, and I had to grow. Jon said "the times in life when we are most insecure are the times in which we learn and grow the most". This is true. I know it's true, because I've lived it.

Anyways, digression....

Come Dec, I was much more content with who i was, and where i was going. It was a very surreal feeling to feel content, and almost, happy with everything. It was hard to tell if i was happy because I had finally gotten used to my surroundings, or if it was just because I wasn't feeling sad anymore. Maybe both.

I used to say that 2005 was a horrible year. But i just had to get through it in order to see how much of a blessing in disguise it was. My one thought from 2004 to 2005 was: "Life is out to get me". Hardly. Life is doing me a big favor by throwing curveballs at my nutsack (not literally) in order to keep my jumping around and staying alert. Like Tony told me over ramen when i first got back here, "These are all tools in your toolbox. Later on in life when you have to deal with something, you'll have the right tool for it". But it goes way beyond that. It's not just specific solutions for specific situations that you learn from these experiences. They teach you to accept the fact that you can't always be comfortable in life, and that when life catches you without an umbrella cuz you didn't think it would rain and starts raining cats and dogs on your ass, that it's okay sometimes to run around like a kid till you catch a cold.

So May will roll around, and if everything goes to plan, I'll have my Masters. With that finished, it's now time to look for a job. Where to? I have no idea. There's a couple of companies up here in Palo Alto, and there's a company down south in Orange County that i would love to work for. I'm just ready to move on to the next phase of my life because this one is coming to an end. I've learned a lot from it, both in academics and in regards to my outlook on life. Now i just want to put those skills to use. The pretty much dead in the water lovelife of mine does suck, i won't lie, but we'll leave that discussion for a future blog post. Right now, i'm having a "manifest destiny" moment, and we dont wanna ruin it.

so yeah. I guess happy and carefree IS the way to go. Who would have thought. Yeah shut up.

Bring it on 2006. Cuz I'm ready.