"Get busy living or get busy dying. That's goddamn right"

Still looking for a purpose. For a reason.
Been thinking a lot about life. When life allows you too much time to think, you tend to overthink things. You eventually come across questions that are impossible to answer. Questions that can drive you to the past the point of frustration.

Have I made a mark on this world? Am I making a difference somehow? Were my life to come to an unfortunate end, would I be forgotten in a couple months?

I gotta get out there and find more stuff to do with my life. There's got to be more than this, and I don't mean just friendships and social stuff. There has to be more, or will continue to question to the value of what I'm doing with my life.

Life is short, and it scares me to no end that once our time comes to an end, that there's nothing after that. The idea of an afterlife, or even some kind of consciousness, is at the most most a gamble. I believe that religions came up with an answer as to what happens when you die in order to calm the masses and of course, to get people to join their religion and add to the collection box. What if, in fact, you simply cease to exist. No consciousness, no thoughts. Nothing, you're simply gone. Forever. This very idea frightens me to my very core.

With that fear, every day that goes by where I question what value I have made makes me more and more frustrated. I'll find the answer eventually though. I know I will.

dammit.

I know, I know. you're probably thinking that this blog is done.

The fact is, I've been extremely stressed lately. Work has been kicking my ass. Been looking for more out of life, but fallen short. The justification and attempts to keep myself afloat just really aren't cutting it these days. On the contrary, these probably serve to push me under the flow of everything even more so.

At some point, I really wanted to turn my life around. Make some changes. Go in a different direction. But the more I want to do that, the more I see how hard/impossible it is.

you really want something to show you that you're worth it. (To make it clear, I'm not talking about a relationship). I'm talking about something in life that keeps you grounded. Something that lets you know that if you were to die tomorrow, that who you were wouldn't disappear from everyone's minds in a few months.

You can't expect your perspective of your life to improve by big events and going out and stuff. That's just medicating yourself. It's the things inbetween that needs to count for something. The unsaid items. The general taste of one's life.

I don't expect or think it's possible for anyone to understand what I'm getting at here.

My apologies. I'll try to write something with a bit more humor in the near future. On the other hand, I feel like writing this kind of perspective stuff is actually a bit refreshing.

Rough days

These last few days have probably been the hardest days of my life. My dad had scheduled heart surgery, and it went well. He's been in the ICU for the last two days. And while I know everything is going to be fine, I'm not going to feel okay until my dad is finally home. I i could take the pain from his body and put it in my own, i would do so in a heartbeat.

Spending all day in the hospital is surprisingly draining, even though my family doesn't do anything besides sit. We're only allowed to go into the icu every two hours.

I really don't like seeing my dad in a hospital bed. The nurses and doctors tell us that everything is fine and that there's nothing to worry about, and I take a small amount of comfort in knowing that a nurse/doctor is in the room with him 24 hours a day. But even so, it's difficult.

It's emotionally draining to say the least.

It's weird to be in the ICU waiting area. Some families here are waiting patiently. Some are laughing and socializing. Some are holding each other and crying. It's a chaotic mix of emotions and feelings. I don't envy those that have to be here every day for weeks. On the plus side, they serve free coffee/tea/candy in the waiting room. The comfortableness of the chairs leave much to be desired.

But I can't think of any of that stuff. None of it stays in my head anyways. I just want my dad to get better.

Routine

I'm in the biggest of routines. Cemented and certified. This is how life will be for a while. A long while.

This is as much as life has to offer right now. And I'm too busy in this routine to care. I got shit to take care of, and crap to do.

why is it that when

why is it that when i get stuck someplace i'm stuck within earshot of annoying ass people.

Good weekend

I miss weekends like these, were I'm swamped with so many reunions with tons of people I haven't seen; a pleathora of moments in which one is challenged to keep the social-ness going at full speed. A collection, not comparison, of what everyone is doing with their lives. A peppering of awkard moments which force you to think.

Ah, LA. Ah, life.

A reminder that we're all so close, and yet all pointing and going in different directions.

On a less philosophical note, I would like to thank alcohol for playing a major role in my weekend. I've missed you terribly, and glad to see that we could pick up where we left off.

A more casual blog to follow tonight or tomorrow. For now I look unhappily forward towards the coming week of work and trips to Osh and Home Depot for home stuff.

I, too, enjoy my pancakes with no sour cream

Today I took my friend Brendan out to dinner since I'll be out of town this weekend and will be missing his bday. We got dinner at Holder's Country Inn. He ordered breakfast. Specifically, he got an omelette . This omelette had spinach, sour cream, bacon, and onions in it. It came with a choice of toast, swedish pancakes, or buttermilk pancakes. Here's the dialog from when he ordered:

Brendan: I'll have the ____ (Ed. note: I forget the name of the omelette) omelette.
Waitress: Toast or pancakes?
Brendan: Swedish pancakes. Oh, can you tell them to go light on the sour cream?
Waitress: I'll tell them no sour cream.
Brendan: Nah, sour cream is fine, but just go light on it.
Waitress: [Thinks for a moment] But the pancakes don't have any sour cream on them.
Brendan: ..... yeah, i mean the omelette.
Waitress: Oh.

I sat there, flabbergasted and amazed. AMAZED. Brendan ordered two items. One is an omelette, which has SOUR CREAM listed AS AN INGREDIENT. The second item are SWEDISH PANCAKES, which come with powdered sugar and a fruit spread. And she thought Brendan was requesting NO SOUR CREAM ON HIS PANCAKES. HIS PANCAKES. Now I'm not a smart man, but when someone orders two items, and one item has the requested light item AS A MAIN INGREDIENT, I'd bet a good amount of money that they're TALKING ABOUT THAT ITEM.

There are no words.