quick break from thesis work...
Friday went to a warriors game. They beat the suns, which was tite. Even tho they're not going to the playoffs, J.Rich still put on a good show. The game itself wasn't super hyphy (however the fuck you spell that), but it was good to see our team win. Ike Diogu...why isn't that fool in there more often? Mystery.
Saturday went to see the Peking Acrobats perform at the San Jose Center of Performing arts. It was coo. And of course they had the stereotypical twirling of plates. It was cool tho. I enjoyed it, even though there was this guy sitting behind us who kept making this nasty throat sound. Bryant had the worst of it, since he was directly in front of the dude.
It's been refreshing to check out these new things, learn a new dance style, and all that. Fun shit.
Been working on my thesis pretty much hardcore. Running test, compiling data, setting up more appointments, doing last minute research, etc. It's fuckin rough. And this week is gonna be DEATH. I have appointments and stuff every day. I hope to be finished with testing completely by the end of this week. Then I have to write up the final report, do my last in-class report on the 24th, turn in the final report on May 1st, do my final presentation on May 14th, and then, I'm done.
I think in june i'm gonna be going to philly and boston and, perhaps, dare I say it, New York. If I do go to new york, like i said before, it's gonna be strictly for the dance. Check out some clubs and see how the real house dancers break it down.
Of course, mixed in there I expect there to be some serious trips to vegas. And of course, this all equals one thing. Spendage of money. Now I ain't rich, but I figure, i'll be getting a job (hopefully soon) after I graduate. That means i'll be making money. And i'm gonna live at home for one more year, so i can save up to put a down payment on a house. In Los Altos. (yeah, right). So anyways I figure it's okay to spend a little money from the funds that i've saved up thus far to make up for the couple years of putting my nose to the grindstone for this degree. Speaking of which, you dont wanna know how much i've spent on putting this thesis together. Ugh.
Yup, but for now. A nice big helping of stress.
Oh, and before I forget, which of these do you think is the scariest? (Note: all these are at night, in the dark, unless otherwise mentioned)
A) Standing by a window with the lights on and have someone jump in front of the window right where you are.
B) Standing by the window, then you open the blinds, only to find someone staring in at you with an emotionless face.
c) Opening up the toilet, only to find a human head staring up at you, floating in the bowl.
d) Going into a room and standing by the mirror while the lights are off. When you turn on the lights, you're looking at the mirror, only to see a masked person staring back at you instead of your reflection
e) When you step out of bed, you feel a hand brush against your foot, and you jump back into bed. You hear a slight sound, and then nothing.
f) you're writing on the computer at night with only your computer and a small desk lamp on. You turn around and you see the ring girl standing right behind you.
g) same scenario as f, except when you turn around, you see a small girl standing in the corner with entirely pitch black eyes and white skin staring at you and smiling.
h) lets say you have a chair in your room, and it's facing away from you, while ur in bed and the lights are off. You kick the chair to make it turn around, and in the darkness, you can see someone sitting on the chair and staring at you. But then you blink, and they're gone.
g) You're in a Quantum Leap episode, and you've just lept into my body and you found out your stuck as me for the rest of my life. SUCKS DUDE.
And why do I bring all of this up??? because last night, I couldn't go to sleep and for some reason, ALL OF THESE SCENARIOS STARTED PLAYING OUT IN MY MIND. WTF. i COULDN'T SLEEP FOR 90 MINUTES CUZ I KEPT TURNING THE LIGHT ON AND SHIT. WTF AM I, EIGHT YEARS OLD?????
aight back to work furealz. If anyone needs me, i'll be "cHiLLiN' aT MaH PaD" (inside joke of something that did not happen)
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Last Saturday, I went to a memorial service for my dad's cousin, James, who had passed away a few weeks before. James wasn't that old, probably a little older than my dad, and I had only met him once before.
The service was at my temple, and there were only about 20 people there. For the eulogy, James' brother in law asked people in the audience to talk, because it was the best way for all of us to understand what kind of person he was. I found out that James had chosen to not get married so that he could take care of his parents, who had had a hard life in order to support their children. A few of his coworkers talked about how open-minded yet strongly opinionated he was. Mr. Dobashi, who had owned a near by Japanese supermarket stood up and talked about what a great friend James had been to him. He talked about how James would stop by and joke around. He had been friends with James since high school. He paused, and ended it with "James was a good friend... I'll miss him". He sat down and wiped the tears away from his eyes. And even though I had only met him once, my eyes filled up with tears as I sat there, hearing these stories and the sadness on the faces of his family and friends. Rev. Sakamoto reminded us that we cannot concentrate on the loss of James, but rather the impact he had on all of our lives. Death ends a life, not a relationship.
Later on, I was talking to my aunt about my grandfather. To this day, and probably for the rest of my life, it has pained me that I never got the chance in my recent years to speak to him about life. My grandfather had a view on life that goes beyond words. He appreciated and cherished everything in life. He was at peace with everything: with the world around him, with his life, with himself. He spent his entire life trying to learn as much as he could; my aunt told me that he had this undying urge to learn, learn, learn. He was skilled in pottery, basketry, painting, writing, calligraphy, crossstitch, woodcarving, and so much more. He was a Buddhist minister. He read hundreds upon hundreds of books. He was open to everything that life had to offer him, and he truly appreciated everything.
When he passed away, it really hurt me, but since I hadn't seen him in so long, I didn't want to think about it. His funeral was in Hawaii, and it was videotaped. My dad said I should watch it, but up until this point, I wasn't able to watch it. I remember lashing out at my dad and my brother when they told me to watch it. I just wasn't ready. Finally, I think I can.
My aunt also pointed out to me how compassionate my father was with my grandparents, especially near the end of their lives. It was almost as if he knew when they needed something, and he would do it without hesitation. And even though I already knew that about my dad, it's amazing when you hear it from someone else. Maybe I was emotionally softened up, but when I heard all of that my eyes began to tear up again.
I can see the same kind of appreciate of life in my dad that my grandfather had. I never realized all the things my dad is skilled in, and though we dont have heart to heart talks, he shows how much he cares for me and my brother in his actions and the lessons he tries to teach us.
I hope that someday I can be the kind of person James was, moreso the kind of person my grandfather was, and most of all, the kind of person my father is. If I can do that, I'll know that I've done something right in my life.
The service was at my temple, and there were only about 20 people there. For the eulogy, James' brother in law asked people in the audience to talk, because it was the best way for all of us to understand what kind of person he was. I found out that James had chosen to not get married so that he could take care of his parents, who had had a hard life in order to support their children. A few of his coworkers talked about how open-minded yet strongly opinionated he was. Mr. Dobashi, who had owned a near by Japanese supermarket stood up and talked about what a great friend James had been to him. He talked about how James would stop by and joke around. He had been friends with James since high school. He paused, and ended it with "James was a good friend... I'll miss him". He sat down and wiped the tears away from his eyes. And even though I had only met him once, my eyes filled up with tears as I sat there, hearing these stories and the sadness on the faces of his family and friends. Rev. Sakamoto reminded us that we cannot concentrate on the loss of James, but rather the impact he had on all of our lives. Death ends a life, not a relationship.
Later on, I was talking to my aunt about my grandfather. To this day, and probably for the rest of my life, it has pained me that I never got the chance in my recent years to speak to him about life. My grandfather had a view on life that goes beyond words. He appreciated and cherished everything in life. He was at peace with everything: with the world around him, with his life, with himself. He spent his entire life trying to learn as much as he could; my aunt told me that he had this undying urge to learn, learn, learn. He was skilled in pottery, basketry, painting, writing, calligraphy, crossstitch, woodcarving, and so much more. He was a Buddhist minister. He read hundreds upon hundreds of books. He was open to everything that life had to offer him, and he truly appreciated everything.
When he passed away, it really hurt me, but since I hadn't seen him in so long, I didn't want to think about it. His funeral was in Hawaii, and it was videotaped. My dad said I should watch it, but up until this point, I wasn't able to watch it. I remember lashing out at my dad and my brother when they told me to watch it. I just wasn't ready. Finally, I think I can.
My aunt also pointed out to me how compassionate my father was with my grandparents, especially near the end of their lives. It was almost as if he knew when they needed something, and he would do it without hesitation. And even though I already knew that about my dad, it's amazing when you hear it from someone else. Maybe I was emotionally softened up, but when I heard all of that my eyes began to tear up again.
I can see the same kind of appreciate of life in my dad that my grandfather had. I never realized all the things my dad is skilled in, and though we dont have heart to heart talks, he shows how much he cares for me and my brother in his actions and the lessons he tries to teach us.
I hope that someday I can be the kind of person James was, moreso the kind of person my grandfather was, and most of all, the kind of person my father is. If I can do that, I'll know that I've done something right in my life.
Saturday, April 1, 2006
Things to do this weekend
-Get over this DAMN migraine.
-Finish prototypes! (Almost done! SWEET!)
-Finish website so I can apply to jobs (And not get them)
-Work on report due on Monday (zzzz)
-GET PANCAKES (been craving them all weekend for some reason)
-Start looking for testing participants
-Contact TAP plastics to begin work on my more detailed prototype.
It's crazy that I'm finally starting to see the end of this road to get my masters. I'm going to finish for sure by May (barring any major fuckups). I'm definitely excited to graduate soon. I'm gonna walk fo sho..why? cuz I want my HOOD. That's right. HOOD. Tassles are out. Hoods are in.
Damn. I shoulda went. Oh wells. (cryptic blog shit. ignore.)
Dude. pancakes. I can already taste them. Oh man. I think i'll have pancakes tomorrow for dinner. Yeah.
I want to vegas. NOW. And in May. And then again in June. Seriously. I think i've gotten my second party wind. I want to go party it up...hit up a club or two, chill at a lounge or two, go to vegas and go crazy. Yes. Take a vacation. Go to Hawaii. Drive up to Napa. Take the kind of pictures that make people jealous that they weren't there with you. Yup. The only problem is I think i'm the only one in the group that is feeling this way (AKA immature and wanting to party). The rest of my crew up here are mature, legitimately making a competitive salary with excellent stock options so as to improve their portfolio and increase the dividends on their 401ks. Sadly, I am not. Oh wells!
Dude. i think a whole breakfast would be good too. Not just pancakes anymore, but eggs and hashbrowns. Damn. Yup.
I miss being in love. Okay, wow. that's jumping the gun. Okay. I miss dating. I miss that excitement. I miss that feeling where you feel like you have to see this one person because you've been thinking about them since you left them, and you feel like your heart is gonna explode when they walk into the the room/restaurant or how nervous you get when you see them coming towards your car and you get all flustered and yet the whole time you're smiling but not too big because you dont wanna seem like you're that excited cuz you wanna play it cool cuz you wanna look confident and everything. And then you sit there trying to think of the perfect thing to say, like the perfect joke that'll make her laugh like the really honest laugh and then after she's done she'll look at you like you just said the most perfect thing or joke that was exactly what she wanted to hear at that exact moment. And you know that all the stress, all the work, all the mental beat downs and pep talks, all the preparation, all the worries about if she'd like you and maybe she thinks you're dumb....all of that...just seems worth it. And in those 5 seconds where she reaches across the table and touches your hand, you feel like it would stay that way forever, but in a way it does, because those 5 seconds feel like 5 years. And then you close your eyes and in a split second you suddenly understand that feeling that every poet felt when he was writing a sappy love poem, and what all those R&B songs are talking about, and why your friends acted so stupid when that girl that they liked called them back i mean why did they get so excited, and all of a sudden all those cheesy cliches about life and love just dont seem so cheesy anymore especially that one that said something about living in the moment... and you just GET it.
Yeah. I miss that.
And if i'm stupid because of that, then i hope i stay the stupidest person alive. I'm already halfway there anyways =p
I miss that ALMOST as much as i miss PANCAKES right this second.
Have a good weekend peoples. It's 2am and i dont know why i'm awake, especially when i got this headache.
-Get over this DAMN migraine.
-Finish prototypes! (Almost done! SWEET!)
-Finish website so I can apply to jobs (And not get them)
-Work on report due on Monday (zzzz)
-GET PANCAKES (been craving them all weekend for some reason)
-Start looking for testing participants
-Contact TAP plastics to begin work on my more detailed prototype.
It's crazy that I'm finally starting to see the end of this road to get my masters. I'm going to finish for sure by May (barring any major fuckups). I'm definitely excited to graduate soon. I'm gonna walk fo sho..why? cuz I want my HOOD. That's right. HOOD. Tassles are out. Hoods are in.
Damn. I shoulda went. Oh wells. (cryptic blog shit. ignore.)
Dude. pancakes. I can already taste them. Oh man. I think i'll have pancakes tomorrow for dinner. Yeah.
I want to vegas. NOW. And in May. And then again in June. Seriously. I think i've gotten my second party wind. I want to go party it up...hit up a club or two, chill at a lounge or two, go to vegas and go crazy. Yes. Take a vacation. Go to Hawaii. Drive up to Napa. Take the kind of pictures that make people jealous that they weren't there with you. Yup. The only problem is I think i'm the only one in the group that is feeling this way (AKA immature and wanting to party). The rest of my crew up here are mature, legitimately making a competitive salary with excellent stock options so as to improve their portfolio and increase the dividends on their 401ks. Sadly, I am not. Oh wells!
Dude. i think a whole breakfast would be good too. Not just pancakes anymore, but eggs and hashbrowns. Damn. Yup.
I miss being in love. Okay, wow. that's jumping the gun. Okay. I miss dating. I miss that excitement. I miss that feeling where you feel like you have to see this one person because you've been thinking about them since you left them, and you feel like your heart is gonna explode when they walk into the the room/restaurant or how nervous you get when you see them coming towards your car and you get all flustered and yet the whole time you're smiling but not too big because you dont wanna seem like you're that excited cuz you wanna play it cool cuz you wanna look confident and everything. And then you sit there trying to think of the perfect thing to say, like the perfect joke that'll make her laugh like the really honest laugh and then after she's done she'll look at you like you just said the most perfect thing or joke that was exactly what she wanted to hear at that exact moment. And you know that all the stress, all the work, all the mental beat downs and pep talks, all the preparation, all the worries about if she'd like you and maybe she thinks you're dumb....all of that...just seems worth it. And in those 5 seconds where she reaches across the table and touches your hand, you feel like it would stay that way forever, but in a way it does, because those 5 seconds feel like 5 years. And then you close your eyes and in a split second you suddenly understand that feeling that every poet felt when he was writing a sappy love poem, and what all those R&B songs are talking about, and why your friends acted so stupid when that girl that they liked called them back i mean why did they get so excited, and all of a sudden all those cheesy cliches about life and love just dont seem so cheesy anymore especially that one that said something about living in the moment... and you just GET it.
Yeah. I miss that.
And if i'm stupid because of that, then i hope i stay the stupidest person alive. I'm already halfway there anyways =p
I miss that ALMOST as much as i miss PANCAKES right this second.
Have a good weekend peoples. It's 2am and i dont know why i'm awake, especially when i got this headache.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
ah no more work. well, the boss needs me on thursday, but other than that, it's been nice not working again. Too bad this week I really need to bust my ass on my thesis. I need to apply to a couple of jobs at Ideo too. Hopefully they'll reject me again and keep my expectations low, and my motivation high.
Today i didn't do much. Slept in..and I found that my back, legs, and right arm are hurting after playing baseball yesterday. That's what I get for not stretching. Oh wells. Even though I have the stamina of fat sloth, I still had a good time throwing the ball around. Hopefully one of these days when i'm chilling over at JAB house or Brendan's place we can throw the ball around rather than just playing video games the whole time. Either that or play mah jong. speaking of which...
i learned how to play mah jong. I have yet to experience what its like to WIN in mah jong, and I also have learned how to lose money at mah jong. Nevertheless, it was good fun, and I'm itching to play again. Half the fun of playing mah jong is fighting the urge to eat the tiles, which look amazingly like jello. However, I also learned that one should not rub their eyes after touching a mah jong set that has been in a chinese family for generations, for you will awake the Curse of a 1000 Year Old Dragons and get...
an eye infection. Yes, moments after playing mahjong i rubbed my eyes, which had gotten itchy. Soon my eye lid puffed up so much so that it began to affect my vision. Joy. The next day it was just as puffy, but then i put some neosporin in my eye (strange experience) along with some allergy eyedrops. Made it better, and by the next day it was all gone. What caused it? Maybe it was my dirty fingers, maybe it was the chinese mah jong set showing it's hatred for my japanese eyes, maybe mel has never washed her mah jong set, maybe jon/bryant/andy need to clean their table, who knows. Anways, it was a good thing it wasn't looking so bad the next day because...
I went to Jen and Aaron's Engagement party. There there was food. and lots of it. We ate, and we talked, as per usual. Our socials skills were at it's normal level, meaning we met no new people. However, it doesn't bother me, because I'm shy unless I have an outlet to meet new people. In other words, if a bunch of people are at a party, and they all already know each other, I'm probably not going to put out as much effort because it's too hard. I'll stick to my own group, which i did. Call it dumb, but that's how it is. On the plus side, I did meet a guy who has the ability to be funny no matter what he says. No really. The guy was taking a pic, and said "Take it easy!", and the shit was hilarious. No joke. There was lots of food...
just like at Sweet Tomatoes, which we went to eat at the next day. Yes, after baseball, we all showered (SEPARATELY), and then headed off to lose ourselves in a bounty of self-made salads and soups. Sweet Tomatoes is the northern california counterpart version 2.0 of Soup Plantation, which is southern cal. However, for some reason, tho they are of the same company, I find that Sweet Tomatoes tastes better. Why? I dunno. There is no reason why it should. Anyways, it was hella good. And most of the food there is okay for you. It was sunday tho, and it was packed. And then you look up the line, and you see some old person taking their sweet ass time with the corn AFTER the line starts moving again. However, Andy kept us entertained with the rules of tray entiquette when in line at a buffet (i.e. no tray bumping to the point of your tray rolling over theirs, no reaching over in front of ones tray in order to get something, etc.). Two more things i observed: There was this guy who was being hella picky and moving hella slow, and yet no matter how fast i moved to get around him, he would slowly move to where I watned to be or just be standing in front of what I wanted. So like, I wanted soup. I went to where the soup bowls are. He comes from the opposite direction (slowly). He gets there before I do. He doesnt' want the two bowls on the top tray, so he digs underneath the tray for one from the next level down. Slowly. After he's done digging (slowly), I grab one from the top cuz i'm not a picky SLOW person. ANyways, he walks away slowly, breathing slowly, moving slowly and thinking slowly. I get a spoon, and I walk over to the cream of potato soup. But he's slowly standing in front of the chowder. Just standing there. Existing slowly. I move to the right to move around him. He slowly shifts to the right. Then to the left. Finally he walks away. I go to the breadline afterwards to get some grain bread. Guess who's there, standing in front of bread, slowly putting butter on his plate. At that point, I slowly lost it, and I slowly kicked his ass, and he slowly reacted, and as far as I know, he's slowly coughing on the floor next to the bread line. ARGH! Second, I saw a man who had a gut. That's nothing new, I mean , I have a pretty mean gut myself. However, his gut looked like he was pregnant. I'm serious.. it's like his chest was thin, but when you get down to his lower stomach it's like BAM wsup triplets. And all i have to say to that is: TAKE IT EASY! Nevertheless, good conversation with good friends, and nothing beats that for sho.
Today I chilled with minh, who is back for spring break. Got some din din, and several coffees. Talked school and business plans, and how we need to make lots of money NOW. It was good catching up. We talked about the friends we still keep in touch with, and the friends we don't.
We also talked about how much we've learned about life since leaving SD. We both agreed that unless we can find killer jobs in SD, the chances of either of us moving back are next to nil. SD was fun, and i'd like to leave it at that.
Anyways, i'd better crash. I got a meeting with my thesis advisor tomorrow, then dance practice at night.
I think i'm gonna get a personal trainer. I gotta lose weight. For so many reason.
- - -
And on a final note...
It's been two years. It's crazy, but even though you're gone, now that i've grown up some, i can better understand and appreciate the kind of friend you were. Your belief of what a friend should be was truly ideal: humble, yet exuberant...loud and friendly, yet quiet and understanding...you never stood in anyone's way, unless they were heading in the wrong direction...your anticipation towards the ever-renewing excitement of life's experiences was contagious.
Today, I will remember what you stood for in life, and remember all that I have to be grateful for. You were never one to be negative and sad, and I will not spend this day having even ONE thought of that sort. You looked at life eyes wide open and a smile to match, and I think it's about time all of us that knew you (and those that didn't) tried to do the same. (Hey man, i said I would TRY. I ain't an optimist, remember lol)
I am eternally grateful that I was able to consider you my friend, and am eternally humbled that you considered me one of yours.
Rest in peace, buddy
Kenneth Tsang
11/10/1980 - 3/28/2004
Today i didn't do much. Slept in..and I found that my back, legs, and right arm are hurting after playing baseball yesterday. That's what I get for not stretching. Oh wells. Even though I have the stamina of fat sloth, I still had a good time throwing the ball around. Hopefully one of these days when i'm chilling over at JAB house or Brendan's place we can throw the ball around rather than just playing video games the whole time. Either that or play mah jong. speaking of which...
i learned how to play mah jong. I have yet to experience what its like to WIN in mah jong, and I also have learned how to lose money at mah jong. Nevertheless, it was good fun, and I'm itching to play again. Half the fun of playing mah jong is fighting the urge to eat the tiles, which look amazingly like jello. However, I also learned that one should not rub their eyes after touching a mah jong set that has been in a chinese family for generations, for you will awake the Curse of a 1000 Year Old Dragons and get...
an eye infection. Yes, moments after playing mahjong i rubbed my eyes, which had gotten itchy. Soon my eye lid puffed up so much so that it began to affect my vision. Joy. The next day it was just as puffy, but then i put some neosporin in my eye (strange experience) along with some allergy eyedrops. Made it better, and by the next day it was all gone. What caused it? Maybe it was my dirty fingers, maybe it was the chinese mah jong set showing it's hatred for my japanese eyes, maybe mel has never washed her mah jong set, maybe jon/bryant/andy need to clean their table, who knows. Anways, it was a good thing it wasn't looking so bad the next day because...
I went to Jen and Aaron's Engagement party. There there was food. and lots of it. We ate, and we talked, as per usual. Our socials skills were at it's normal level, meaning we met no new people. However, it doesn't bother me, because I'm shy unless I have an outlet to meet new people. In other words, if a bunch of people are at a party, and they all already know each other, I'm probably not going to put out as much effort because it's too hard. I'll stick to my own group, which i did. Call it dumb, but that's how it is. On the plus side, I did meet a guy who has the ability to be funny no matter what he says. No really. The guy was taking a pic, and said "Take it easy!", and the shit was hilarious. No joke. There was lots of food...
just like at Sweet Tomatoes, which we went to eat at the next day. Yes, after baseball, we all showered (SEPARATELY), and then headed off to lose ourselves in a bounty of self-made salads and soups. Sweet Tomatoes is the northern california counterpart version 2.0 of Soup Plantation, which is southern cal. However, for some reason, tho they are of the same company, I find that Sweet Tomatoes tastes better. Why? I dunno. There is no reason why it should. Anyways, it was hella good. And most of the food there is okay for you. It was sunday tho, and it was packed. And then you look up the line, and you see some old person taking their sweet ass time with the corn AFTER the line starts moving again. However, Andy kept us entertained with the rules of tray entiquette when in line at a buffet (i.e. no tray bumping to the point of your tray rolling over theirs, no reaching over in front of ones tray in order to get something, etc.). Two more things i observed: There was this guy who was being hella picky and moving hella slow, and yet no matter how fast i moved to get around him, he would slowly move to where I watned to be or just be standing in front of what I wanted. So like, I wanted soup. I went to where the soup bowls are. He comes from the opposite direction (slowly). He gets there before I do. He doesnt' want the two bowls on the top tray, so he digs underneath the tray for one from the next level down. Slowly. After he's done digging (slowly), I grab one from the top cuz i'm not a picky SLOW person. ANyways, he walks away slowly, breathing slowly, moving slowly and thinking slowly. I get a spoon, and I walk over to the cream of potato soup. But he's slowly standing in front of the chowder. Just standing there. Existing slowly. I move to the right to move around him. He slowly shifts to the right. Then to the left. Finally he walks away. I go to the breadline afterwards to get some grain bread. Guess who's there, standing in front of bread, slowly putting butter on his plate. At that point, I slowly lost it, and I slowly kicked his ass, and he slowly reacted, and as far as I know, he's slowly coughing on the floor next to the bread line. ARGH! Second, I saw a man who had a gut. That's nothing new, I mean , I have a pretty mean gut myself. However, his gut looked like he was pregnant. I'm serious.. it's like his chest was thin, but when you get down to his lower stomach it's like BAM wsup triplets. And all i have to say to that is: TAKE IT EASY! Nevertheless, good conversation with good friends, and nothing beats that for sho.
Today I chilled with minh, who is back for spring break. Got some din din, and several coffees. Talked school and business plans, and how we need to make lots of money NOW. It was good catching up. We talked about the friends we still keep in touch with, and the friends we don't.
We also talked about how much we've learned about life since leaving SD. We both agreed that unless we can find killer jobs in SD, the chances of either of us moving back are next to nil. SD was fun, and i'd like to leave it at that.
Anyways, i'd better crash. I got a meeting with my thesis advisor tomorrow, then dance practice at night.
I think i'm gonna get a personal trainer. I gotta lose weight. For so many reason.
- - -
And on a final note...
It's been two years. It's crazy, but even though you're gone, now that i've grown up some, i can better understand and appreciate the kind of friend you were. Your belief of what a friend should be was truly ideal: humble, yet exuberant...loud and friendly, yet quiet and understanding...you never stood in anyone's way, unless they were heading in the wrong direction...your anticipation towards the ever-renewing excitement of life's experiences was contagious.
Today, I will remember what you stood for in life, and remember all that I have to be grateful for. You were never one to be negative and sad, and I will not spend this day having even ONE thought of that sort. You looked at life eyes wide open and a smile to match, and I think it's about time all of us that knew you (and those that didn't) tried to do the same. (Hey man, i said I would TRY. I ain't an optimist, remember lol)
I am eternally grateful that I was able to consider you my friend, and am eternally humbled that you considered me one of yours.
Rest in peace, buddy
Kenneth Tsang
11/10/1980 - 3/28/2004
Friday, March 17, 2006
Goddammit.
I see people around me,
and I see things in them that make me laugh
feel sorry for them. What the hell kind of person
acts the way that they do?
Tactless insecurity mixed with no confidence.
Requested bandages for emotional wounds that are thrust in the faces of others.
Complains about the filet mignon while the world starves around them.
I shake my head, but then.
Then I see those elements in myself.
Either hiding beneath the surface,
or just simply hiding, daring me to recognize their existance instead of constantly denying it.
I see people around me.
and I see things in them that make me jealous.
How i long to be able to look as they do, or think as they do.
An outside so beautiful or
an inside so strong
that nothing can hurt them, even if given permission.
They live their days, with neither a pessimistic cloud or a optimistic smiling sun in their sky
Perfectly content, a middle ground comfortable existance, for they know that extremes usually lead to one another.
Their feet surely grounded, and never in their mouths.
While I am given the impossible task of finding such a state within myself.
Missing elements.
I hope that with each mental rock overturned,
I can discover them.
So here i am.
Not content with where i am,
but very content from the distance i've run from where i've been
But that still doesn't answer the question
Where do i go from here?
And how will i know when i've gotten there?
clv.
I see people around me,
and I see things in them that make me laugh
feel sorry for them. What the hell kind of person
acts the way that they do?
Tactless insecurity mixed with no confidence.
Requested bandages for emotional wounds that are thrust in the faces of others.
Complains about the filet mignon while the world starves around them.
I shake my head, but then.
Then I see those elements in myself.
Either hiding beneath the surface,
or just simply hiding, daring me to recognize their existance instead of constantly denying it.
I see people around me.
and I see things in them that make me jealous.
How i long to be able to look as they do, or think as they do.
An outside so beautiful or
an inside so strong
that nothing can hurt them, even if given permission.
They live their days, with neither a pessimistic cloud or a optimistic smiling sun in their sky
Perfectly content, a middle ground comfortable existance, for they know that extremes usually lead to one another.
Their feet surely grounded, and never in their mouths.
While I am given the impossible task of finding such a state within myself.
Missing elements.
I hope that with each mental rock overturned,
I can discover them.
So here i am.
Not content with where i am,
but very content from the distance i've run from where i've been
But that still doesn't answer the question
Where do i go from here?
And how will i know when i've gotten there?
clv.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
poems, but not really. more like. mental ramblings?
lost somewhere within the vast plane inside my consciousness
I've finally gotten some footing, as I've fallen farther out.
It's almost as if i've secured a steady stance on a small piece of rock,
floating out into the middle of nowhere.
With tricky part of gaining the knowledge of your surroundings
is that it can show you how small you are, and how large the world is around you.
and suddenly, that tiny bedroom you were stuck in doesn't seem so bad anymore.
- - -
everyone has someone that can hurt them
as much as we hate to admit it.
a person who always has the right words to say, the right perspective of you, the right actions
to make you feel so damn wrong.
and
as time goes on, with it's inevitable learning and growing,
and you let your strength and knowledge of more important things
serve as a shield against those actions which could drive you down that path.
but it doesn't matter.
Because that one person.
No matter how hard you try to forget
or forgive
or leave
you can never really slam the door shut.
And when they wander back into your surroundings
and treat you like you're still the same person that you were yesterday
all that strength and knowledge is lost.
fallen victim to a past ideal that is no longer there
but you just refuse to believe it.
Learning how to walk again, as the world runs past you with no regrets.
- - -
it's easy to be okay with who you are,
but seems like you can never be okay with who you were.
- - -
i wish i could give up.
Everyone else can.
I wish i could make it all better
Everyone else can.
I wish I could do what you can.
and i'm sure you're happy that you could do, what i can't.
- - -
i'm not sad, but i'm not happy either.
and that's the best place to learn.
I'm getting there...
lost somewhere within the vast plane inside my consciousness
I've finally gotten some footing, as I've fallen farther out.
It's almost as if i've secured a steady stance on a small piece of rock,
floating out into the middle of nowhere.
With tricky part of gaining the knowledge of your surroundings
is that it can show you how small you are, and how large the world is around you.
and suddenly, that tiny bedroom you were stuck in doesn't seem so bad anymore.
- - -
everyone has someone that can hurt them
as much as we hate to admit it.
a person who always has the right words to say, the right perspective of you, the right actions
to make you feel so damn wrong.
and
as time goes on, with it's inevitable learning and growing,
and you let your strength and knowledge of more important things
serve as a shield against those actions which could drive you down that path.
but it doesn't matter.
Because that one person.
No matter how hard you try to forget
or forgive
or leave
you can never really slam the door shut.
And when they wander back into your surroundings
and treat you like you're still the same person that you were yesterday
all that strength and knowledge is lost.
fallen victim to a past ideal that is no longer there
but you just refuse to believe it.
Learning how to walk again, as the world runs past you with no regrets.
- - -
it's easy to be okay with who you are,
but seems like you can never be okay with who you were.
- - -
i wish i could give up.
Everyone else can.
I wish i could make it all better
Everyone else can.
I wish I could do what you can.
and i'm sure you're happy that you could do, what i can't.
- - -
i'm not sad, but i'm not happy either.
and that's the best place to learn.
I'm getting there...
Monday, March 6, 2006
aight. i'm gonna have to put a hold on that poem for a while. i'm just...not in the mood. This poem requires me to take two different points of view right now, and i just can't put myself into the positive side (haha i know i know) far enough to put the words together in a way that i find satisfactory. It's okay, i know that the two of you that read this shit aren't sitting on the edge of your seats, so i'm sure a few more days can be given before you grind your teeth down to the gum. go sarcasm. lol.
this entry is gonna be a super ass random one. it's gonna cover a bunch of topics, from both petty ones to daily happenings to food. unless i get tired and bored, which that case, it will end with a brick wall.
so yeah...here goes.
You know, the other day i was thinking bout what i had had for lunch when i was talking to one of my thesis advisors at his workplace (yahoo!). I had gotten a portabella mushroom and blue cheese panini sandwich. It was not good. It seems that the sandwich was missing something, and the bite of the blue cheese, which i usually find good, was overpowering with the bland mushroom. Luckily I had a couple pickles with me to introduce some palet cleaning sourness to my tastebuds, but it was not enough. The sandwich was left partially uneaten, and I could hear the rage of the hungry everywhere beating down my conscience. Moral of the story: There are two actually 1) get sandwiches with meat in them 2) when telling a simple story, the use of weird analogies and strange long words like "palet" are uncessary. lol
speakin of sandwiches, when introducing someone to togos (aka, they have never had togo's before), it's important to not let them start with hot pastrami. This is because if the person eats hot pastrami, they will experience the literal mouth orgasm of flavors, and from then on, they will have to eat the hot pastrami every time they go to togos. You cannot eat hot pastrami, and then try and eat an avocado turkey. It just wont work, and it'll only be a few forced bites before the tears start. Oh the humanity. Now would be an excellent time to bring up the unfairness of all good tasting things being bad for you.
green tea thing at jamba juice = good
green tea latte at starbucks = ass
i wish i didn't have to eat. I would save time. I would save money. I would lose weight. Yup.
- - -
So on friday, I went to the club in SF known as Rouge. This place is roughly the size of two 2-car garages put together. Aka. it was SMALL. Me, shan, jon, and julie rolled up to support mel's dance team (it was a fundraiser). Lemme say right now, that all of us went to support pdc, and none of this "review" has anything with what i think of their team or any of their events. Without being a brown nose, it must be pointed out that they're great dancers, and anyone who is a great dancer should be given then their props, as i have found that there are a LOT of people who CAN'T.
So yeah. Rouge, being small, was PACKED to the fucking WALLS. Yes. From the windows to the walls. And yes, sweat was dripping off balls because it was SO DAMN PACKED. Have i made it clear? okay. But yeah. It was like an asian party. So imagine, if you will, a small club, packed to death filled with all asian people. Now, i dont care what kind of people are in a club. black, white, red, brown, green, yellow, purple. In fact, i dont get why people dont like asian parties. But this one wasn't that great because it was an asian cockfest. Yes. THere were many more sausages than eggs at this clubbing event, and that made it the suck.
But why? Well, there were several reasons:
1) NO DANCE ROOM ON THE DANCE FLOOR. I like poppin'. But if i can't pop, then at least I would like to have enough room to do a little two step and get down. But if I can't even do that, then it really stinks. Going clubbing and not being able to dance is like going to the buffet and not being able to eat. This is because if you remove dancing from a club, then all you have left to do is sit and drink. And sitting is usually out because tables and chairs are for vips with lots of money, and if all ur gonna is drink, ur better off going to a lounge. This place had no room to dance. No room at all. It was packed. Do i need to say how packed it was again? But hey, at least if a place is packed, you would hope that there are good dancers, so you can check out some fly moves at least, right?
2) Wrong. EITHER I HAVE BECOME THE BEST DANCER IN THE WORLD, OR ASIANS CAN'T DANCE. While I think the former is WAY wrong, we are only left with the later. Seriously. I have seen some bad dancing (i.e san diego. think about it.), but this night i was ESPECIALLY bad. I mean, people were just plain CRAP. It was horrible. And nothing is worse than seeing a guy (who can't dance), try and freak a girl (who can't dance). Also,
2A) LITTLE ASIAN GIRLS WHO SUCK AT DANCING AND THEN THROW THEM 'BOWS. Okay. Just because you're a little asian girl doesn't mean you can just shove ur way behind me and then start dancing like an amazon woman with a bad case of the itch. I would never hit a girl ever, but if you start putting your elbows in my back, I might have to back it up on you. Or start rave dancing, complete with all the kicking, and no one wants that.
3) THE HAND HOLDING TRAIN OF LOVE. So ur getting ur dance on, and all of a sudden ur interrupted. Oh, a girl wants to get through. Okay that's fine. But then, oh..she's holding hands with her friend, who's holding hands with HER friend, who's holding hands with her friend, who is finally holding hands with her bf, who is being led like a little doggie of the female persuasion. And so you are left to find the energy and rhythm again, after having to wait for this damn hand holding train to pass through. But because it would be UNTHINKABLE to just WALK behind ur friends. Every time this happens i wanna karatechop this bond and see if the two people float away from one another screaming. *CHOP*. "nooooo...grab my hand! grab my hand!!!!" "I can't!!" "nooooo......I'll never forget you!!" "Never!!!!"
4) ASIAN GUYS WHO ROLL 4 TO 5 DEEP, AND THEN PROCEED TO SPEND THE WHOLE NIGHT WALKING THROUGH THE CROWD WITH EACH OTHER, HOLDING A DRINK, AND STOPPING MOMENTARILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN GET A GIRL TO DANCE WITH THEM. AND ALL THE WHILE, THEY WALK RIGHT BY ME, AND USUALLY PUT THEIR HANDS ON MY SHOULDERS OR USUALLY MY BACK SO THEY CAN GET BY ME. Okay. Number one, do not roll to a club with all guys thinking you'll meet girls there. YOU WON'T. No girl, especially at an asian party, is looking to meet a guy at the club. And even if they are open to that option, they aren't gonna dance with you. Why? Because your stank ass with the short fade haircut and the jeans with the button up banana republic/H&M/express for men shirt and black shoes looks just like every other guy in this joint. Including ME (sucks for you). And asian girls ONLY dance with their friends. And btw, you will not be getting any girls by walking through the crowd with a look of utter boredom, not smiling, and then trying to get the girls attention by grabbing them arm, yelling "hey girl", or trying to get a quick backdoor surprise on. People used to give me shit for wanting to always go with an equal number of guys and girls, but there is good reason, and that's why. Furthermore, if i'm triying to dance with one of the girls in my group, dont walk inbetween us, yah dumbshit. And finally, and most importantly, if you wanna walk by me, just WALK. Do NOT put your hands on the small of my back. That's all kinds of brokeback, and while i know i'm unresistable to all creatures on this earth, I dont roll that way, so sorry son.
5) APPARENTLY, THERE IS A NATIONAL CONTEST THAT IS CURRENTLY GOING ON TO SEE WHO THE SUCKIEST DJ IS, AND ALL THE CLUB DJS ARE FIGHTING FOR THE TITLE.
Here are some of the songs that were played:
-Kelly Clarkson, Since You've been gone
-Red hot chili peppers
-I love rock and roll
-nine inch nails, closer
-two slow jams, during which people started slow dancing (THIS AIN'T WINTER FORMAL)
And of course, no funk, no roger and zapp, nothing.
And there were other reasons why the experience wasn't that great...(more serious ones)
1) STAGE FRIGHT. For all the practicing I do, I still get nervous when I try and do some poppin' in public. I get off beat, i forget all the moves, and I just lose the funkiness. I hate it. Seems like the only place where i really feel like i'm on is my bedroom. I guess i'll have to make a club that looks like my bedroom if i really wanna dance well. It's hella annoying. I'm sure I would be better in a battle situation where you really gotta freestyle, but again, see reason number 1 above. One day, i'll hit it, and the nervousness will go away, but until that day comes, i'm stuck doing the same shit.
2) CONFIDENCE. i just aint' all that. i aint' shit, but i ain't all that. So when i see someone who i think is cute, and she isn't a stranger, it's not like i'm gonna ask her if she wants to dance. Again, it's not like i dont have any confidence, i just dont see how i'm any better than any other guy in the club. oh wells, that's life, right?
Nevertheless, clubbing is always fun no matter what. For mainly the above reasons, I can always find something to laugh about with the people i'm with.
- - -
i dont get love. i just don't. I thought i did. or maybe it's just that i dont get what love does to people. I dont get how people perceive relationships. I dont get a lot of it.
I do know that i haven't been in love for so long, even after i had gone through some of the biggest milestones in realizing the right and wrong ways to handle a relationship, and it's almost like i've forgotten what it's like. Or maybe it's like, i've never experienced it at all since i've changed so much these past two years. Or maybe, i'm jaded. Or maybe, i never understood anything in the first place.
I think of things that a make a relationship what it is. A glance that's held for a second longer than usual. A hug thats just a bit tighter than usual. A smile that's just a little bit bigger. The way a hand is held, a face is caressed, and how a soft kiss is given. I can barely remember these things, and i think it's because i, like i said above, have just not had the chance to experience these things in my new frame of mind. I try not to think of these things. I try to look towards the future. Brighter tomorrows of possiblity over thoughts of a lost yesterday.
The heart, like any other muscle in your body, if left stagnant, grows weak. Maybe this is why people can't be alone, or feel the need to be in a relationship. Maybe not so much because they dont want to feel like they're alone int he world, but more because theydont want to let the crispness of their emotions, or feelings toward love...their "love skills" so to speak...die away.
Do i not care as mucha nymore? Maybe I'm more indifferent, if not at least slightly confused (what i like to call knowledge). But i can't say that i just dont care anymore. if that was the case, then i wouldn't even be writing this, would i? Or maybe i feel like i'm not ready for a relationship. Or maybe i just feel like i dont really have that much to offer compared to the rest of the options a cool girl has. You may call that lack of confidence, but i dont need to fog my judgement up to cover up the truth that there are an assortment of flavors in this world for a girl to choose from, and that a lot of those flavors are more exciting than me. That ain't self hate, that's just the truth, and it's been told to me to my face.
btw, this isn't some cry out for help. ("single girls, come save me with your love!!!" lolz). just the thoughts rolling around in my pea sized brain.
I guess that's what happens tho. Confusion and frutration can only be tolerated for so long before it just turns into indifference.
whatevers. that's just that feeling again...and i figure I dont give it much voice anymore, crushing it down, so i thought i would for once.
- - -
oh man, i can't wait. A list has been created of an assortment of things that my friends and I up here have to do. I still haven't been to the winchester mystery house, or wine tasting in napa, etc. etc. It's about time we all did. Nothing is accomplished by just sitting on our asses, and it's about time we take action.
- - -
man i hate ironing. I dunno how my mom does it every week. I think i should start ironing my own shit cuz i'm 26 and my mom shouldn't be doing all my laundry for me. Shit. I should be cooking HER dinner.
- - -
Being taken for granted is the worst feeling ever. Being not surprised by it is even worse.
this entry is gonna be a super ass random one. it's gonna cover a bunch of topics, from both petty ones to daily happenings to food. unless i get tired and bored, which that case, it will end with a brick wall.
so yeah...here goes.
You know, the other day i was thinking bout what i had had for lunch when i was talking to one of my thesis advisors at his workplace (yahoo!). I had gotten a portabella mushroom and blue cheese panini sandwich. It was not good. It seems that the sandwich was missing something, and the bite of the blue cheese, which i usually find good, was overpowering with the bland mushroom. Luckily I had a couple pickles with me to introduce some palet cleaning sourness to my tastebuds, but it was not enough. The sandwich was left partially uneaten, and I could hear the rage of the hungry everywhere beating down my conscience. Moral of the story: There are two actually 1) get sandwiches with meat in them 2) when telling a simple story, the use of weird analogies and strange long words like "palet" are uncessary. lol
speakin of sandwiches, when introducing someone to togos (aka, they have never had togo's before), it's important to not let them start with hot pastrami. This is because if the person eats hot pastrami, they will experience the literal mouth orgasm of flavors, and from then on, they will have to eat the hot pastrami every time they go to togos. You cannot eat hot pastrami, and then try and eat an avocado turkey. It just wont work, and it'll only be a few forced bites before the tears start. Oh the humanity. Now would be an excellent time to bring up the unfairness of all good tasting things being bad for you.
green tea thing at jamba juice = good
green tea latte at starbucks = ass
i wish i didn't have to eat. I would save time. I would save money. I would lose weight. Yup.
- - -
So on friday, I went to the club in SF known as Rouge. This place is roughly the size of two 2-car garages put together. Aka. it was SMALL. Me, shan, jon, and julie rolled up to support mel's dance team (it was a fundraiser). Lemme say right now, that all of us went to support pdc, and none of this "review" has anything with what i think of their team or any of their events. Without being a brown nose, it must be pointed out that they're great dancers, and anyone who is a great dancer should be given then their props, as i have found that there are a LOT of people who CAN'T.
So yeah. Rouge, being small, was PACKED to the fucking WALLS. Yes. From the windows to the walls. And yes, sweat was dripping off balls because it was SO DAMN PACKED. Have i made it clear? okay. But yeah. It was like an asian party. So imagine, if you will, a small club, packed to death filled with all asian people. Now, i dont care what kind of people are in a club. black, white, red, brown, green, yellow, purple. In fact, i dont get why people dont like asian parties. But this one wasn't that great because it was an asian cockfest. Yes. THere were many more sausages than eggs at this clubbing event, and that made it the suck.
But why? Well, there were several reasons:
1) NO DANCE ROOM ON THE DANCE FLOOR. I like poppin'. But if i can't pop, then at least I would like to have enough room to do a little two step and get down. But if I can't even do that, then it really stinks. Going clubbing and not being able to dance is like going to the buffet and not being able to eat. This is because if you remove dancing from a club, then all you have left to do is sit and drink. And sitting is usually out because tables and chairs are for vips with lots of money, and if all ur gonna is drink, ur better off going to a lounge. This place had no room to dance. No room at all. It was packed. Do i need to say how packed it was again? But hey, at least if a place is packed, you would hope that there are good dancers, so you can check out some fly moves at least, right?
2) Wrong. EITHER I HAVE BECOME THE BEST DANCER IN THE WORLD, OR ASIANS CAN'T DANCE. While I think the former is WAY wrong, we are only left with the later. Seriously. I have seen some bad dancing (i.e san diego. think about it.), but this night i was ESPECIALLY bad. I mean, people were just plain CRAP. It was horrible. And nothing is worse than seeing a guy (who can't dance), try and freak a girl (who can't dance). Also,
2A) LITTLE ASIAN GIRLS WHO SUCK AT DANCING AND THEN THROW THEM 'BOWS. Okay. Just because you're a little asian girl doesn't mean you can just shove ur way behind me and then start dancing like an amazon woman with a bad case of the itch. I would never hit a girl ever, but if you start putting your elbows in my back, I might have to back it up on you. Or start rave dancing, complete with all the kicking, and no one wants that.
3) THE HAND HOLDING TRAIN OF LOVE. So ur getting ur dance on, and all of a sudden ur interrupted. Oh, a girl wants to get through. Okay that's fine. But then, oh..she's holding hands with her friend, who's holding hands with HER friend, who's holding hands with her friend, who is finally holding hands with her bf, who is being led like a little doggie of the female persuasion. And so you are left to find the energy and rhythm again, after having to wait for this damn hand holding train to pass through. But because it would be UNTHINKABLE to just WALK behind ur friends. Every time this happens i wanna karatechop this bond and see if the two people float away from one another screaming. *CHOP*. "nooooo...grab my hand! grab my hand!!!!" "I can't!!" "nooooo......I'll never forget you!!" "Never!!!!"
4) ASIAN GUYS WHO ROLL 4 TO 5 DEEP, AND THEN PROCEED TO SPEND THE WHOLE NIGHT WALKING THROUGH THE CROWD WITH EACH OTHER, HOLDING A DRINK, AND STOPPING MOMENTARILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN GET A GIRL TO DANCE WITH THEM. AND ALL THE WHILE, THEY WALK RIGHT BY ME, AND USUALLY PUT THEIR HANDS ON MY SHOULDERS OR USUALLY MY BACK SO THEY CAN GET BY ME. Okay. Number one, do not roll to a club with all guys thinking you'll meet girls there. YOU WON'T. No girl, especially at an asian party, is looking to meet a guy at the club. And even if they are open to that option, they aren't gonna dance with you. Why? Because your stank ass with the short fade haircut and the jeans with the button up banana republic/H&M/express for men shirt and black shoes looks just like every other guy in this joint. Including ME (sucks for you). And asian girls ONLY dance with their friends. And btw, you will not be getting any girls by walking through the crowd with a look of utter boredom, not smiling, and then trying to get the girls attention by grabbing them arm, yelling "hey girl", or trying to get a quick backdoor surprise on. People used to give me shit for wanting to always go with an equal number of guys and girls, but there is good reason, and that's why. Furthermore, if i'm triying to dance with one of the girls in my group, dont walk inbetween us, yah dumbshit. And finally, and most importantly, if you wanna walk by me, just WALK. Do NOT put your hands on the small of my back. That's all kinds of brokeback, and while i know i'm unresistable to all creatures on this earth, I dont roll that way, so sorry son.
5) APPARENTLY, THERE IS A NATIONAL CONTEST THAT IS CURRENTLY GOING ON TO SEE WHO THE SUCKIEST DJ IS, AND ALL THE CLUB DJS ARE FIGHTING FOR THE TITLE.
Here are some of the songs that were played:
-Kelly Clarkson, Since You've been gone
-Red hot chili peppers
-I love rock and roll
-nine inch nails, closer
-two slow jams, during which people started slow dancing (THIS AIN'T WINTER FORMAL)
And of course, no funk, no roger and zapp, nothing.
And there were other reasons why the experience wasn't that great...(more serious ones)
1) STAGE FRIGHT. For all the practicing I do, I still get nervous when I try and do some poppin' in public. I get off beat, i forget all the moves, and I just lose the funkiness. I hate it. Seems like the only place where i really feel like i'm on is my bedroom. I guess i'll have to make a club that looks like my bedroom if i really wanna dance well. It's hella annoying. I'm sure I would be better in a battle situation where you really gotta freestyle, but again, see reason number 1 above. One day, i'll hit it, and the nervousness will go away, but until that day comes, i'm stuck doing the same shit.
2) CONFIDENCE. i just aint' all that. i aint' shit, but i ain't all that. So when i see someone who i think is cute, and she isn't a stranger, it's not like i'm gonna ask her if she wants to dance. Again, it's not like i dont have any confidence, i just dont see how i'm any better than any other guy in the club. oh wells, that's life, right?
Nevertheless, clubbing is always fun no matter what. For mainly the above reasons, I can always find something to laugh about with the people i'm with.
- - -
i dont get love. i just don't. I thought i did. or maybe it's just that i dont get what love does to people. I dont get how people perceive relationships. I dont get a lot of it.
I do know that i haven't been in love for so long, even after i had gone through some of the biggest milestones in realizing the right and wrong ways to handle a relationship, and it's almost like i've forgotten what it's like. Or maybe it's like, i've never experienced it at all since i've changed so much these past two years. Or maybe, i'm jaded. Or maybe, i never understood anything in the first place.
I think of things that a make a relationship what it is. A glance that's held for a second longer than usual. A hug thats just a bit tighter than usual. A smile that's just a little bit bigger. The way a hand is held, a face is caressed, and how a soft kiss is given. I can barely remember these things, and i think it's because i, like i said above, have just not had the chance to experience these things in my new frame of mind. I try not to think of these things. I try to look towards the future. Brighter tomorrows of possiblity over thoughts of a lost yesterday.
The heart, like any other muscle in your body, if left stagnant, grows weak. Maybe this is why people can't be alone, or feel the need to be in a relationship. Maybe not so much because they dont want to feel like they're alone int he world, but more because theydont want to let the crispness of their emotions, or feelings toward love...their "love skills" so to speak...die away.
Do i not care as mucha nymore? Maybe I'm more indifferent, if not at least slightly confused (what i like to call knowledge). But i can't say that i just dont care anymore. if that was the case, then i wouldn't even be writing this, would i? Or maybe i feel like i'm not ready for a relationship. Or maybe i just feel like i dont really have that much to offer compared to the rest of the options a cool girl has. You may call that lack of confidence, but i dont need to fog my judgement up to cover up the truth that there are an assortment of flavors in this world for a girl to choose from, and that a lot of those flavors are more exciting than me. That ain't self hate, that's just the truth, and it's been told to me to my face.
btw, this isn't some cry out for help. ("single girls, come save me with your love!!!" lolz). just the thoughts rolling around in my pea sized brain.
I guess that's what happens tho. Confusion and frutration can only be tolerated for so long before it just turns into indifference.
whatevers. that's just that feeling again...and i figure I dont give it much voice anymore, crushing it down, so i thought i would for once.
- - -
oh man, i can't wait. A list has been created of an assortment of things that my friends and I up here have to do. I still haven't been to the winchester mystery house, or wine tasting in napa, etc. etc. It's about time we all did. Nothing is accomplished by just sitting on our asses, and it's about time we take action.
- - -
man i hate ironing. I dunno how my mom does it every week. I think i should start ironing my own shit cuz i'm 26 and my mom shouldn't be doing all my laundry for me. Shit. I should be cooking HER dinner.
- - -
Being taken for granted is the worst feeling ever. Being not surprised by it is even worse.
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